When Heather married Dave, everyone knew it would be the Ideal Marriage. He was an rising executive with a major corporation, and she was the gorgeous secretary who worked her way into his heart. They made a lovely couple, and no one was surprised when he ended up proposing to her. He had been a confirmed bachelor for years who enjoyed playing the field without tying himself down, but from the moment he laid eyes on Heather, he knew it was time to change his game plan. It was a picture-perfect wedding, a spectacular function held in a chapel overlooking the Pacific Ocean, and it was obvious to everyone in attendance that Dave and Heather loved each other very much.
There was only one little thing on which Heather hadn't counted, however. The reason Dave was so successful in his job was because he worked brutally long hours, sometimes spending the night at the office, where a bed was specially installed for just such occasions. It was a 70-mile round trip to his job, and sometimes he thought it would be safer not to get on the freeway after one of his 20-hour workdays. Sometimes his job took him out of town, often at a moment's notice, leaving Heather alone for days at a time. She'd miss him greatly, but slowly learned to accept this as Part Of The Deal. Dave loved her very much, and tried to give her everything money could buy, but more and more often he was unable to give freely of the one thing she really wanted: himself.
Heather woke up, alone, in her bed. She would have loved nothing more, on this day of all days, than to have her husband kiss her awake. For this was Heather's 25th birthday, and she was looking forward to making up for last year, when Dave was unable to get away from the office. This year, however, she planned a special dinner for two, followed by a romantic evening neither one of them would ever forget. He had been in Atlanta all week on business, but he'd be arriving at the airport by 4:00 p.m., where a company car would bring him straight home.
About 30 minutes after Heather woke up, the telephone rang. It was Dave, with some bad news: an unforeseen problem would keep him in Atlanta for another two or three days. Naturally, Heather was crestfallen. This sort of thing had been happening more and more lately, but instead of getting angry at him, she found herself on the verge of tears. He was as unhappy about the situation as she, and hearing her voice crack made it only worse. He tried to mollify the situation by promising her that they'd have that birthday dinner the minute he came home, and to his credit he had never broken a promise to his wife. This seemed to console her a bit, and by the end of their conversation, he was feeling slightly less guilty.
Dave found himself wondering whether his career was worth these long stretches away from home. But at least the money was good. In fact, it was great, and at the rate he was earning it, he could conceivably retire in three or four years. The prospect of enjoying years of leisure with his beautiful wife was often the only thing that kept him going.
After Dave put the phone down, he started wondering how Heather would spend her day. His work had brought the two of them to the lovely coastal community of Fort Lauderdale, Florida, where the weather was balmy but neither of them knew a soul. They had arrived only a week earlier, and were scheduled to stay for six months before returning to California, where their roots were. At least the year before, when they still lived in Heather's hometown of Newport Beach, she had all her friends around to help her celebrate when he was stuck at work. He knew she'd end up spending the day all alone, and that just wouldn't do!
As Heather sat down to lunch, Dave called back with what he hoped would be good news. His company is often in the position of having to entertain clients and supply dates for them, so they often did business with what is euphemistically called an "escort service." He figured that if HE couldn't be there, he could at least make sure she had someone to keep her company.
Heather couldn't believe what she was hearing: was her husband suggesting hiring a male escort? After his initial surprise he began to laugh, then reassured her that he would have the service send a female to keep her company. He specifically requested the most popular girl in their stable, "a real fun gal to be around," they told him. Nothing kinky, just some friendly, cheerful company.
Heather considered his offer, then considered the alternative. She decided that friendly company on her birthday was preferable to no company at all, and he was genuinely relieved to hear a glimmer of happiness in her voice. As soon as he rang off, he began making arrangements to have the service send their girl over at 3:00 p.m. to spend the day doing anything Heather wanted to do.
She finished her lunch and looked at the clock. It was 1:00 p.m. She decided to pass some time by taking a stroll along the beach, but she abandoned this idea within seconds after stepping outside for the first time that day. She had experienced humid weather in California, but never anything like this! It was the middle of July, and the temperature was 104º F with 97 percent humidity. She had the thermostat set at a comfortable 68º, so she was wasn't even thinking about the weather conditions outside.
She immediately did an about-face to return inside, but realized to her horror that the door had locked behind her. She turned back to look at the street, and could see the heat rising up from the sidewalk and sizzling on car hoods. She also noticed a lone discarded plastic bottle on the ground was in the process of melting. Every second she spent out there was like being trapped in an inferno, so she ran to the back of the house in a panic, hoping the back door was unlocked. Fortunately for her, it was, and she wasted no time getting herself back inside. She slammed the door behind her, then just stood there for a full minute, flushed and panting for air, pondering how anyone could live like this year after year. Oh well, she figured, not everyone can live in California...and right now, neither could she!
She felt another pang of homesickness, then glanced over at the fully-stocked bar on the other side of the room. Heather was no stranger to alcohol and its myriad pleasures, but she was never the type to drink when she was sad or lonely or angry. It was always far more pleasurable when she was already in a good mood. So instead of mixing herself an alcoholic beverage, she simply poured a glass of iced tea, put on some music, and stared out the window, counting the days until she could return to more familiar ground.
After a few minutes, Heather started getting herself ready for company. She was a naturally beautiful woman, but with even a minimal amount of make-up, she would become absolutely stunning. She began with a shower, since the few seconds she spent outside had already caused her to perspire. That made her feel better (and cleaner), and she resolved not to step outside again until after sunset, if at all. After she finished with her make-up, she put on her tightest, sexiest cocktail dress and high heels, and brushed out her long brown hair, letting it rest casually on her shoulders. Even if it was just another woman coming over, she often enjoyed dressing up for her own pleasure. After double-checking herself in the full-length mirror in the bedroom and deeming herself presentable, she returned to the living room to wait for her guest.
At 3:00 p.m. sharp, a limousine pulled up to the driveway. Heather peered out the window as a tall, pretty blonde woman stepped out. She was dressed in cut-off jeans, a loose t-shirt and sandals, and her long hair was pulled back in a ponytail. The driver stepped out, carrying a small suitcase, and accompanied the woman to the front door. She was having a bit of difficulty walking on her own, and was leaning against the driver for support.
He didn't act as though this were an unusual occurrence, however, and even slowed down his pace so she could keep up with him. Heather assumed the woman had been drinking, and when she opened the door for them, she could see that was definitely the case. "Hiiiiiiiii......there. You're Heath'r, righ'?"
"Yes. And you are...?"
"My name is Maritza, but ev'ryone jus' calls me Mitzi...." She stood there silently for a few seconds with a slightly dazed look on her face, as if she forgot where she was or that she was in the middle of a sentence. She blinked twice, her glazed eyes widening and coming somewhat back into focus, and she continued right where she left off. "...for short. An' this iiiiiiizzzzzzzz......"
"Joseph, madam." This wasn't the first time he'd had to answer that question, and it certainly wouldn't be the last.
"Jozff. Thass righ'. How come I c'n rem, c'n nev'r remumber tha'?" She pondered that for a moment, then continued. "Anyway, juss pu' th' sui'case down over there, Joe, we'll call you if we need you, 'kay?"
"Yes, madam. Good day, madam." The driver returned to the limo and drove off.
Mitzi waved him off, then turned around to speak to Heather, momentarily losing her balance. Her eyes widened again while she grabbed the wall to steady herself, then she sighed with relief and started giggling. "Dontcha juss love tha'? 'Yes, ma'um. Goo'day, ma'um.' They trea' me real good ov'r there."
"Over... where?"
"Th' servviss. Som'himes, I can't b'LIEVE I get paid f'r doing this!" Mitzi's face contorted into a mask of bemused puzzlement, then she broke into a goofy grin, shrugged her shoulders, and surveyed the room.
What Heather couldn't believe was how someone could get this drunk so early in the day. But anything's possible, she thought. "When my husband sent you here, did he know that you'd show up dr--"
"Saaaaaaaayy, you got anything to drink?" Mitzi spotted Heather's nearly-empty glass on the bar, then said, "WhaddaYOO having?"
"Iced tea."
"Grea'! I'll have one o' those!"
Heather poured both of them an iced tea, but Mitzi took only one sip before grimacing and saying, "Whass ZISS?"
"I told you, it's iced tea."
"Not th' way I make 'em! Here, lemme show ya how iss suhPOsa be done!" She giggled with anticipation and went behind the bar to mix a pitcher of Long Island Iced Teas for the two of them. "Wow, you got EV'RYTHING back here. Ziss is gonna be GREA'! Hey, we godda cuddup some lem'ns. I'll leave tha' up to you, 'kay?" After a few seconds, she grinned sheepishly and confided, "I don' like'a play w'knives. I ge' a li'l clumsy som'himes."
Heather went to the kitchen to cut some lemon slices. She came back and watched with fascination as Mitzi carefully blended equal parts of gin, rum, tequila and vodka into a blender with sour mix, triple sec and cola. For someone who could barely walk up to the door a few minutes earlier, she seemed to have relatively little trouble with her motor skills while mixing her special brew.
After pouring the contents of the blender into a pitcher, she put some ice cubes into two tall glasses, then filled both glasses to the brim. Heather looked at her glass, then at Mitzi's lolling head and silly grin. "I don't know if I really want a drink this early. I usually never do."
"C'MOOOOOONNNNNNNN, iss yer birssday. Le's PARTY!"
Heather took a sip of her drink, and was surprised by how good and refreshing it was. "You know, this is pretty tasty."
"Of COURSS iss pre'y tas'ee, I use'a..." Mitzi paused briefly in mid-sentence and burped silently, which caused her head and neck to loll a bit more than they already were. "'Ssss-cuse me.... I use'a ten' bar. I don' mean'a brag, or anything, but I go' pre'y good a' i' affur a while!" She reared back and finished almost half her glass in one swig, then stared at the glass in her hand for a few seconds before geting a mischievous glint in her eye and adding, "I got pre'y good a' drinkin' 'em, too!"
Heather took another sip of her drink, and Mitzi decided it was time for her to pick up the pace. "Y'know, you're drinking WAY too slow. You go' some seer-yus catsching up t' do!" She looked around the room, then asked, "Wood't be okay if I took a show'r?"
"What?" Heather didn't even see that one coming. She still hadn't had a single visitor since moving in, and she wasn't expecting a request like this from her very first guest. "Uhhhhmmmmmmm.... sure, I guess."
"Grea'! 'Cause I feel real sticky from being outside. Y'know?" Heather's eyes widened as she nodded in agreement, having spent more than enough time outside herself that day. She began heading up the stairs to the bathroom, but within seconds she heard a dull thud right behind her. She looked back to find Mitzi sprawled across the bottommost stairs, not even trying to get up.
"Do you need a hand?"
Mitzi stared blankly into space for a few seconds, then finally looked up blearily in Heather's direction. "Huuuuuh?"
Heather reached down and held out her hand. "I said, do you want a--"
"Nooooooo, no-no-no, I'm fine, I'm........iss okay," Mitzi said with a dismissing wave of her hand as she started to get up. The act of lifting her hand to do this caused her an unexpected loss of balance, and she was unable to compensate in time, causing her to fall to one side and bump into the wall inches away. She landed on the bottom step, instantly slipping off that and ending up on the floor.
Her wide-eyed surprise at this latest turn of events was quickly replaced by her complete bemusement over her inability to do something as basic as maintaining balance. The fact that she was having so much trouble doing this while on all fours struck her as being even funnier, and she looked up to fill Heather in on her private joke. Unfortunately, in the time it took to refocus on Heather and open her mouth to speak, she realized that she had completely forgotten what she was just about to say. She could only remember that whatever it was, it was very funny, and it would have been a great ice-breaker. Oh well, she thought. It would come back to her soon enough.
Heather looked on in amazement as Mitzi grabbed the railing and lifted herself up off the ground. Once she was back on her feet, she let go of the rail as if to demonstrate to both Heather and herself that she was once again in control of her situation. She stood there for a few seconds, her satisfied grin remaining until the very second she realized she was about to fall down. She grabbed onto the railing again, and this time she wasn't planning to let go so quickly.
"Heeeey! Y'know, you gotta slippery stairs!" Mitzi informed Heather. The look on her face and her tone of voice seemed to imply that she considered this not only a completely rational explanation for her own behavior, but also a friendly warning to her host to watch her own step. Realizing that it might not be such a great idea for someone in this condition to be going up and down her stairs, Heather backtracked and led the way to the downstairs bathroom.
Right before Mitzi closed the door behind her, she turned around, smiled and said, "Thanks a lot, I really 'presheeya'it. I wanna be nice 'n clean for th' party tonight."
"What party?"
Mitzi looked at Heather like she just stepped off the boat. "Th' PARTY, silly! Yer birssday! R'm'remmmb'r?"
"Oh yeah... that party." Heather chuckled to herself at how silly this was becoming.
"THASS the ol' spirit! Now finish your drink, and I'll be right out as soon's I can. 'kay?"
"Take your time, I'll be right here."
Mitzi started to reply, but just smiled instead and closed the bathroom door behind her. Heather couldn't help but notice what cute dimples Mitzi had when she smiled. She also noticed the largesse of her bosoms, which her loose t-shirt couldn't hope to completely conceal. She went back to the living room with her drink, glad to at least have some company. This was a most unusual situation for her, to say the least, but Mitzi seemed friendly and personable, and Heather found herself starting to enjoy the idea of having someone around to help celebrate her birthday.
It suddenly occurred to Heather that someone too drunk to climb a flight of stairs might have trouble balancing on wet linoleum as well. She sighed with relief when Mitzi finally stepped out of the shower half an hour later, wearing nothing but a towel. She walked into the living room, finished the remainder of her drink, and set the empty glass on the bar. "How you doin'?"
"Oh, I'm doing okay."
"Noooooooo, I mean you wannanu'r drink?"
"I'm still not done with this one." Heather held up her glass to show that it was stlll half-full.
Mitzi looked at her as if she were about to explain to a child for the hundredth time why you don't cross the street before looking both ways. "Wellllll, maybe iss time you were. C'mon, bo'ums up!"
It was finally dawning on Heather that there was no point arguing. Besides, the drink did taste good, and it was her birthday, and she really had no other plans for the rest of the day, so......
"Attagirl! Here, have anu'r!" Mitzi filled Heather's glass all the way to the top, then went back to the bar and did the same for herself. She took a huge swig, then asked, "Is there a room where I c'n get dress'd?"
Heather pointed to a room next to the bathroom. "That's the guest room right there."
"Thanks. I'll try not t' take too long."
"Don't hurry on my account. I'm not going anywhere." Mitzi filled her own glass back to the top and took it with her to the guest room, where she proceeded to doll herself up for a night of fun.
It took Heather a good 30 minutes to finish her first drink, but only 20 to finish her second. These things start to go down pretty smoothly after a while, she thought to herself as she got up to refill her glass. She had been sitting on the couch the whole time, however, and when she tried to stand up, she noticed that she was starting to lose her equilibrium. She changed her mind about that third drink, and set her glass down on the table instead.
Heather began to feel more relaxed every minute as the drinks started to work their magic on her. She was a petite woman, perhaps 5'3", and not a regular drinker, so a little alcohol went a long way with her. And she'd already had more than a little: each of those drinks contained three full ounces of alcohol, and Heather had finished two drinks in just over an hour. As luck would have it, Mitzi was an excellent bartender who knew the fine art of blending drinks that were as potent as they were delicious.
As Heather sat there alone on the couch, she found herself wondering how much Mitzi had had to drink before she arrived. At 5'9", she was quite a bit taller than Heather, so the alcohol had a bit more room to spread around. Even underneath the t-shirt or towel, Heather could also see that she was incredibly voluptuous, almost surreally so. Between her pretty round face, her adorable smile, her spectacular figure, her sparkling personality and her obvious enthusiasm for alcohol, it was easy to see why she was one of the most popular escorts at the service.
An hour or so later, Mitzi finally came back out to the living room. She had finished doing her make-up, and was still dressed only in a lacy pink bra and matching silk panties. Heather was staring out the window, watching the bottle in the street as it continued to melt, and so she didn't hear Mitzi enter the room. When she turned to face her and gasped audibly, Mitzi knew exactly why. "It's these, huh?"
"Uhhhhhh....well, I....I mean....I just wasn't expec...I mean, when you--"
"They're real, if thass wha'cha wanna know," Mitzi replied, smiling sweetly.
Heather could feel herself blushing, and she knew it wasn't the drink doing that. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..... I mean, I, ummm..... I just couldn't help but n--"
"Don't get embarrass'd, i' happ'ns alla time. I learn'd a long time ago, either get useta it, or chop 'em off." She grinned, took a huge gulp from her drink, shrugged and said, "So I decided t'get useta it." She looked down at herself, giggled, then looked up and noticed Heather's glass. "Y'know, you nee' 'nuth'r jrink. Here ya go." She walked across the room with the pitcher and filled Heather's glass, somehow managing not to spill a drop. She went back to the bar to top her own glass off, then took her drink with her back to the guest room to finish dressing.
Heather watched with fascination as Mitzi weaved her way out of the room. Yep, she thought, they're real alright. Fake ones don't jiggle like that! Besides, no woman in her right mind would get a boob job that extreme and think she was fooling anyone. She must have measured at least 40 inches, and she was definitely a D-cup. She wore it well, though, and she did her best to deflect what might have been an embarrassing situation, which Heather found rather sweet and endearing.
Heather took another sip from her glass, and ended up finishing it in 15 minutes. It had been years since she'd had Long Island Iced Teas, and she'd forgotten how good they taste... and feel.
Around 6:30 p.m., Mitzi was finally finished dressing, and returned to the living room. This time Heather didn't gasp, she just stared with her mouth hanging open. Mitzi set her glass on the bar, turned around to face Heather, put her hands on her hips, and swiveled slightly to one side to accent the outline of her figure. "Well? Whaddya think?"
Heather just stared mutely for a moment, then finally answered, "I think.... I think I'm in love."
Mitzi was well accustomed to hearing this compliment from men all the time, but this time she was taken completely aback. She stood there for a few seconds trying to think of something to say, then she perked up and said what she always liked to say when she was stuck for words: "I'll def'i'ny jrink t' tha'!" Grabbing the pitcher, she added, "And you're gonna have one, too!"
Mitzi had spent almost three hours dolling herself up, and it paid off in spades. She did an immaculate job of doing her make-up, especially considering how drunk she was. She had on a tight, low-cut strapless pink evening gown with matching gloves, lots of sparkling jewelry, and four-inch heels in which she had no difficulty walking despite her advanced state of intoxication. Her hair was teased and sprayed into a partially upswept 'do, and to complete the ensemble, she had a fur stole wrapped seductively around her arms.
Heather just sat there, at a complete loss for words, and was began to feel lightheaded. The alcohol certainly had something to do with that, but mostly it was this vision in pink, this cartoon caricature come to life, standing before her that was taking some extra time for her slightly impaired brain to process.
"Uhhhhh....... you look.... how do they...... I mean..... how are you able to make them st--"
Once again, Mitzi was way ahead of her: "I got these speshl bras made for me when I go strapless. These things don' jus' stand up like this by 'emSELVES, y'know. They need a lotta s'pport."
"I......can imagine."
Setting her coat on the back of the stool, Mitzi filled her glass once again, took a huge gulp, and let out a satisfied "AAAAAAAAAAH!" She then sat down at the bar, where she suddenly switched to taking dainty sips from her drink. Even sitting down, she was beginning to lose her balance, so she sat up straight in her barstool with her shoulders back, which only accentuated the battle her breasts were triumphantly winning against gravity. Her eyes were even glassier than they were when she first arrived, and her grin was getting goofier.
It had become clear by this point that Mitzi's idea of a "party" was to drink as much alcohol as was humanly possible, then wash it all down with another drink, and she obviously expected everyone around her to do the same. This whole turn of events, thought Heather, was becoming truly bizarre. She started the day expecting to have dinner with her husband, only to learn that she'd have to spend her birthday alone. Then, out of nowhere, this! What next?
They sure made an interesting pair, Heather thought, sitting here in her living room. The new girl in town, and her very first visitor. All dressed up, with nowhere to go. It was another hour before sunset, and the entire night was still ahead of them.
A million thoughts flashed through Heather's mind. First and foremost, she couldn't stop wondering how much drunker her guest was planning to get in the next few hours, and how much she would be expected to babysit her. She wasn't relishing the thought. She had seen her share of obnoxious drunks while she lived in a college dormitory a few years ago, and that was enough to last her more than a lifetime.
Looking back, she was amazed she'd even graduated at all. She had the misfortune to end up in a party-oriented house, and the constant loud parties finally drove her in desperation to move into a quiet apartment a few miles away from the school. She'd literally lost count of the nights she'd had to help her roommates and girlfriends home after they'd have ten too many, clean them up, and put them safely to bed. Heather was still unsure if she wanted to raise children, but if it was anything like this, no thanks! And just the thought of the guys who would drink themselves into a loud, belligerent, uncontrollable stupor was enough to send a chill down her spine. Who let these monsters out of the cage?
Drinking yourself into oblivion and becoming a mess for other people to clean up: she could never see the point. Once you reach that stage, anything can happen, and usually does, and not always for the best. The friends Heather and Dave kept were social drinkers at most. A glass of wine with lunch, a couple of margaritas after dinner, a few beers at a backyard barbecue, never anything excessive. Just the way she liked it. Nothing wrong with alcohol, she always thought, just no reason to go completely overboard with it.
But watching her rented companion make her way across the room and sit down on the couch next to her, she couldn't help but think that of all the excessively drunk people she had seen in her lifetime, this one had to be the happiest, most low-maintenance one ever. Nothing seemed to upset her much, either, everything was something to giggle about or drink to. "A real fun gal to be around," alright. She was a party looking for a place to happen, and the night was still plenty young. Heather was still marveling at what a meticulous job she had done making herself up for the evening, considering how impaired she had been the entire time. She was sprayed up and made up, and she looked like she was ready for anything. Who wouldn't mind coming home to this after a long day at the office?
After a minute or so of trying to think of something to say, Heather excused herself to go to the bathroom. She took only two steps before she suddenly got woozy, putting her hand on the back of the chair to catch her bearings. She looked at Mitzi with a slightly confused expression on her face, as if seeking an explanation from the resident expert. She started to say something, then noticed Mitzi was staring into the space a few feet in front of her and didn't even notice the moment when the alcohol's effect on Heather began to intensify.
Heather regained her composure and managed to cross the room, although she noticed that instead of simply walking the way she usually did, she found herself almost giving her legs little instructions, as if she were trying to help them remember what to do. This struck her as being odd. She recognized this as one of the first signs of intoxication, but after just three drinks? Naaah, it couldn't be, she thought. Just a little head rush from standing up so quickly, that's all. Now that I'm up and around, I'm doing okay. I've done this before. I can handle three drinks. No problem.
As soon as Heather stepped out of the bathroom and into the hall, the phone rang. It was Dave. He wanted to know how things were going. She had no idea what to tell him. She knew he meant well, and probably had no idea how drunk Mitzi would be. He knew she wasn't much of a drinker anyway, so there was no way that this was part of his plan. Should she tell him? She didn't want him to think that things weren't going according to plan, but she didn't want Mitzi to get in trouble, either. She decided to ask Dave for the phone number of the service - "no reason, just in case." That way, she could take care of things if she needed to. If not, not.
She put the phone down and went back to the living room. Somehow, 20 minutes had elapsed. Where did the time go? Oh well, it was still early. It wasn't even 7:00 yet.
Meanwhile, back in the living room, Mitzi was back at the bar, already looking like it was last call. She was still nursing the same drink she had an hour ago, taking tiny sips every now and again. She heard Heather's footsteps, and swiveled around to look at her through half-lidded eyes that struggled to stay open. While her overall tone and demeanor were still cheerful, her speech had slowed down considerably since she first arrived, and it was clearly becoming a major effort to navigate her way from the beginning of a sentence to its logical end without losing her place or going off into some tangent. As impaired as she was, she was doing her best to carry on an actual conversation, and not just a monologue with someone else in the room. She was sent there to be company for someone, and she did her best not to forget that.
Heather returned to the couch, then posed the first question that came into her mind. "So...why are you all dressed up like that? I mean, we're not exactly on a date, or anything, are we?"
Mitzi focused at Heather across the room, and did her best to recite her job duties, which she knew well and took quite seriously. "Yeah, I know, huh. Bu', butschoo nev'r know...... when you MIGH' wanna go ou'... 'n do som'pfin, 'n...... 'n go ou' 'n...... 'n hav' some FUN, y'know? So I gotta be ready, f'r when YOU wanna go. See?"
In its own way, this seemed to make sense, Heather thought. I have some shopping to do, we could go to the supermarket dressed like this. Or, we coud take that stroll on the beach, now that it's cooling down outside. Mitzi looked like she ready for anything, as long as it didn't involve going somewhere where she would need to be carried out. That would include pretty much anywhere past the front door.
Mitzi continued nursing her triple Long Island Iced Tea, her seventh since 11:00 a.m. There was a time when she couldn't have imagined having this much to drink in one day, or starting so early. But she caught on, and quick. It had a way of making the workday go by so much easier, and faster too. She'd often be unconscious by the end of it, and how many jobs out there let you do that while paying you handsomely for it? An honest day's pay for a honest day's work. Nothing to be ashamed of.
Heather was both amazed and amused by the single-minded determination of her new friend to drink herself completely silly, and had to hand it to her that she was doing a pretty good job of it. She also found herself growing fond of her, which didn't really surprise her much. She knew what she'd probably want to do in this situation if she were a man, but knew that she could never feel towards anyone the way she did for her husband, let alone another woman. Heather reached over for her drink on the coffee table, took a sip, and chuckled to herself: it sure is tempting, though.
Mitzi watched silently as Heather got up and walked over to the bar. Is she waiting for me to start the conversation, Heather wondered, or is she just too drunk to think of anything herself? Well, that would certainly explain that silly grin on her face. She pulled up the barstool next to Mitzi and sat down. "So.......how long have you been at this?"
"I dunno...'bout a year, I guess."
"They probably don't send you out on too many dates with women, do they?"
This sudden onslaught of questions, all two of them, was taxing the few functioning brain cells Mitzi had left to spare, and she had to steel herself up to hold up her end of the conversation. She thought about it for a few seconds, trying to take an accurate count before answering. "Ashully....ziss is th' very.... firs' time."
Heather wasn't sure if Mitzi was just pretending to not remember the exact count, and decided to play along. "So it's usually men, right?"
Mitzi started to answer, then stopped to tally them up to make sure, and finally replied in an assured voice, "Jus' one." She held up one finger for emphasis and rested her elbow on the bar, where it stayed for a few seconds before slipping off. Answering questions, going to the ladies' room, sitting upright, staying awake...so many tasks to do, all at once! This job isn't nearly as easy as it looks!
"Just one? All this time?"
"Yeaaah.....ashully, he's th' presi'ent of th' compa'y. I wuz workin', as a riss...a resesshaniss..."
"A what?"
Mitzi looked up at Heather and knew that this wouldn't be the last time tonight she'd have to repeat something she'd tried to say. She heaved a sigh and readied herself to see the word through to its proper end. "I saaaaaaaaaid... a..... reseshaniss! Din'tschoo hear me?"
"Oh, a receptionist!" Of course. What else?
Mitzi rolled her eyes and flashed the dimple on her right cheek. "Thass wha' I said!" She stared vaguely at Heather with a semi-serious look on her face that gradually changed back to a happy grin. "Bu' anyway...he came in one day, an' I ha' jus' start'd working there... and he takes one look, points a' me, 'n goes, 'Thassa one I wan'!'" She pointed to an imaginary person in front of her, then took another small sip of her drink before continuing. "...an'........ an' I go, 'but I'm jussa resesshaniss.'...and my boss comes out, and I go' permot'd.... just li' THA'!" she said, snapping her fingers (or at least trying to). "So I bin, his special girl ev'r since...... they made an eseshinn for you because --"
"They made a what?"
Here we go again, Mitzi thought. "Eh-SESS-shunnnn! They made an esesshun for you because you're not a guy." She stared into space for a few seconds before turning to Heather and grinning sleepily at her. "An' y' know wha'?"
Mitzi stared at Heather for a few secoonds, which Heather took to mean that it was time for her to reply. "What?"
Mitzi stared directly into Heather's eyes for a full five seconds, then finally replied, "Huh?"
"Well? What were you going to say?"
Mitzi started to reply, then suddenly furrowed her brow, trying to figure out the question first. She finally shrugged her shoulders and admitted, "I dunno. What'd I say?"
"I.... I have no idea! You didn't say it yet."
Mitzi weaved in her seat as she pondered this latest plot twist. Her entire body was like jello, and she had one leg crossed over the other. Her gown had a long slit up the side, leaving the crossed leg exposed. It was obvious that those long legs of hers weren't prepared to support her weight should she decide to do something like walk across the room. She seemed content where she was, though, and that's the way Heather liked it.
The synpases in Mitzi's brain were firing in several directions at once, most of them missing their targets by a long shot. Through her haze she could see that Heather was beginning to enjoy herself, which put her more at ease. She just had to keep an eye on Heather to make sure that she didn't drink too much, but so far, everything seemed to be under control. She was glad to know she was performing her job duties correctly, as she always did. She began a new topic of conversation, not realizing that it was the exact same thing she'd been trying to remember only seconds earlier.
"Y'know wha'?.......they're our bessist cus'umerz..."
"Who?"
"Th' comp'funy your husband works for. We know ev'ryone there on a firss name baysiss."
Heather didn't like the sound of that. "Everybody?"
"Yeah....they c'min allllll th' time....." Mitzi leaned over and spoke in a confidential tone. "Bu', there's thiss one guy..."
"One guy?" Heather started to become very interested in hearing about this.
"Yeaaaaaah," Mitzi replied dreamily. "Heez th' one guy...who never goes ou' wi' anyuvuss... and heez th' one we all want!"
"Really?"
"Yeah! Bu', he always holdzup his ring 'n goes, 'Sorry, girls, I'm happfily married.' His wife is sooooo lucky....." She grinned and let out a big sigh.
"Is his name... David, by any chance?"
"Uh-huh. Howdjoo know tha'?" It took her a few, but she sat upright in her chair once she finally figured it out. "Zass your husband?" She sat there, taking it all in, then said, "Wow! Gawwww', he's really cute. Y'know that?"
Yeah, I know that, Heather thought. What a relief. She made a mental note to herself that Dave had earned everything she was going to do for him when he got home, and she savored the thought.
Mitzi leaned back towards Heather and spoke in a half-whisper: "Y'know wha', tho'?.... he's pre'y lucky too..." She stared lovingly into Heather's eyes, not saying a word. If I didn't know better, Heather thought, I'd think she was flirting with me! Mitzi sat up, stared into space for a few seconds, then leaned over again and put one hand on Heather's shoulder. ".....hey, can I tell you some'pfing?"
"Sure, hon, what is it?"
"I jus' wan'tshoo t' know...... that I think you're a lotta fun...... and, I really like you...a whoooooole lo'........ an' thass, wha' I wannida say."
"Well, that's very sweet of you. I li--"
"An'...... I wanna tellyoo....... tha' I'd come ov'r..... any time y'want.... becoooooozzzzz......." Mitzi looked down at her glass, remembered it was hers, and took another sip. ".......you're really nice, y'know tha'? I....... y'know..... it's really hard, t'meet wimm'n, who wanna be my frien'...... an' you know why?" She looked at Heather, knowing the answer was abundantly clear. Heather wasn't sure whether a response was expected or not, so she just answered silently by way of quizzical expression. "Iss all becozz o' these......zass why," she replied to herself, making a gesture towards her chest. "Y'know, they juss grew like tha' all by 'emselvz.... wuzzn't my idea......"
And they weren't, Heather realized. Just one of those things that can happen. In a way, she understood completely. She often attended business functions with her husband, and was almost always the most beautiful woman in the room. She knew how it felt to have a roomful of women with daggers in their eyes pointing directly at her. Fortunately, this was more the exception than the rule for her in her day-to-day life. But if she found herself having these kinds of problems on occasion, she knew that someone like this didn't stand a chance out there.
"Y'know..... thairz a'shully, a name for wha' I go'. Iss called..... mac'ro...... mastacka, plackaMAsia." That was about as close as she was going to get to it, even though she made a few more attempts throughout the rest of the evening. "An' iss...... y'know, issa lotta weigh'ta be, t'be carryin' aroun' all th' time..... aff'r a while, my back juss hurtzz soooo musch tha' I juss godda sit up 'n..... take th' weigh'doff....."
With that, she sat up straight-backed in her chair and threw her shoulders back, then took another sip from her glass, which was now almost empty. She reached behind her back with one hand and pressed against a part of her back that was obviously causing her the most discomfort, which caused her to sit up even straighter in her seat. This threw her prodigious breasts out as far as they could go, which was pretty far.
".....bu' when I do tha', ev'ryone goes, 'Juss look'i' her, showin' off like tha'." She looked over at Heather, the weight of her head becoming more of a challenge for her neck to withstand, and giggled at the thought of what she had just said. "Like I really nee' t' a'vertize!" She sat there for a second, her eyes wide and bleary, then broke into a wide, contented grin.
Heather began to feel a warm glow getting stronger by the minute. She started thinking about how she couldn't wait until Dave got home. But what a thoughtful gift in the meantime: real live human interaction! She had spent hours each night calling her friends back home, running up an astronomical phone bill. Dave would take care of it, of course, but no matter how much she enjoyed talking to her girlfriends, she always felt a pang of sadness the moment she put the phone down and the distance between them became real again. But there was nothing like having someone right there to enjoy it with you. What a fun birthday this was turning out to be!
After a moment of silence, Heather noticed that both glasses were just about empty. "Hey, Misty! Ya wanna jrink?" This was the first time she'd noticed herself having trouble speaking clearly, and it caught her by surprise. She started to correct herself, but Mitzi didn't seem to notice her name being mispronounced. Heather noticed it, however, and started to wonder how long it had been going on tonight.
Mitzi was doing her best to focus, which wasn't so easy now that her eyes were beginning to roll back into her head. She started to fall forward, and the surprise of it brought her back to attention. She looked over to see if Heather had noticed, but Heather was busy pouring drinks for both of them, her impaired motor skills making the task much trickier than it had been just hours ago. Mitzi knew her own limit, and she knew she has gone way beyond it, but when Heather passed the drink to her, those thoughts disappeared without a trace. She automatically accepted it, taking a small sip. Then a larger one.
"But you know wha'?" Mitzi picked right up where she left off. The combination of the booze and the carbonation was beginning to have its effect on her gastrointestinal system, causing her a slowly escalating case of gas. She did her best to speak around the little bursts, but she didn't always succeed. Her entire central nervous system was feeling the depressant properties of the alcohol coursing through her, and each release of gas set off a visible chain reaction from her torso to her head and neck, and back down to her hips. It was a good thing, she sometimes thought, that when she got so drunk that she could barely function, she was also too drunk to really feel embarrassed about it. Funny how it works out that way!
She continued speaking slowly and deliberately. "...I mean...... iss alwayz bin tha' way.... ev'r since I c'n, m'memb'r...... by th' time I got t' high school, I was a'ready a 36D...... thass ashully where they shoulda stop'd.... but they juss.......deci'ed'a do whatev'r they wannid'a'do..... ev'ry time, I'd buy a buncha bigg'r bras, t' replace th' ol' ones..... they woodin' fit either!...... I 'ememb'r comi'home th' firs' day and goin', 'Mom, they're still growin'! When're they gonna stop?' An' she goes, 'Don' worry, honey, they can't keep grow'n' forev'r.'..... becozz my mom and my siss'r.... were both, to'l'ly flat-chessid..... and then I go 'n grow THESE big ol' things..."
Mitzi was reaching the point where her mouth was going on autopilot, while her brain was getting ready to shut down for a nice, long nap. She was so completely loaded by this point that she hiccuped twice before she even noticed that she had them.
"(hup) wwww-whoa-oh," She looked over at Heather in surprise, put her hand to her chest, and gave the slightest hint of a pout. "I g-(hup)... I got th' hiccu-(hup)-aaaah..... I got th' hiccups..... (hup)" She stared helplessly at Heather as if she might be able to help her out of this predicament, but this was one she'd have to work out on her own. Again.
Her hiccups wasted no time settling in for the evening, and started coming at a steady pace, about three to four seconds apart. They were firing in a different rhythm to her breathing, and as a result each one would catch her completely by surprise, as if she were having trouble catching up with them. Between the hiccups, her gaseousness and her increasing loss of basic motor skills, she was really rocking around in her seat. The perpetual motion machine.
"....(hup) wwwwhoa boy..... oh, I d-(hup)... I don' thingk these're gonna b-(hup), be goin' away for a while, I c'n tell(hup).... in fact, (hup) I'm prolly gonna, (hup) gonna have 'em all nigh' l(hup)long...." She sat there with her mouth wide open, letting loose with several wet, high-pitched hiccups. ".....I, hopeyadon'm(hup)-aaaah, don' mind." she said quickly, trying to finish her sentence before the next hiccup had a chance to interrupt her.
After a minute or so, she decided to take control of the situation herself. She inhaled loudly and held her breath as long as she could, hoping that would make the hiccups go away. Each hiccup rocked her around in her seat as her eyes grew wider and her cheeks started to puff out, but the hiccups were extra stubborn this time. She gave it another try, holding her breath until finally she exhaled and almost fell off of her barstool. She shrugged it off with a sigh and a grin, knowing full well that if she couldn't stop them after two tries, any further attempts would be even more futile.
She sat there silently for a few seconds, then looked down at the drink in her other hand. She turned to Heather with a playfully suspicious look on her face and said, "Saaaaaa(hup)aaaaay.... wai' a minni'! Are y-(hup)-aaaaaah..... are you tryin' t-(hup), t' ge' me... drunk or s-(hup), some'pfhin'?.... (hup) Huuuuuh?.... (hup)Beee-cozzzz..... (hup) I'll, I'll have y-(hup)-aaaaaah..... I'llhaveyouknow(hup)..... that I can do that j-(hup), just fine on my own, th-(hup), thangyoo!" She wagged her finger at Heather as if she were scolding her, then broke into a dopey grin, shrugged one shoulder, and took another sip from her drink to prove her point.
She was right about one thing: once she got the hiccups, they were persistent little buggers. She learned a long time ago that it was pointless to fight them. They'd eventually run their course, they always did. Besides, if they started to embarrass her, she could always solve that part by drinking more. Eventually, she wouldn't even be able to tell whether she had them or not. At least not until the next morning, when her stomach would feel like it had been repeatedly punched from the inside.
Right now, however, she didn't feel any embarrassment at all. She felt great, at least in as much as she actually was able to feel anything in her heavily anaesthesitized state. She started to get up for another trip down the hall, but the second she stepped away from the bar, she fell to the floor in a heap. She started to get up, but found that she was actually unable to do that so easily. She looked at Heather with a hapless grin and said in a sing-song voice, "Uh-ohhh-(hup)-ohhhhhh..... I'm in truu(hup), 'uhhhhh-bulllll(hup)-ullll!" and giggled some more.
"Whass wrong, Misty?"
"Yoo g'(hup), you go'uh help me. (hup) I godda giddup." Mitzi slurred, motioning to the ladies' room. As drunk as Heather was beginning to get herself, this jolted her back to reality. She sensed that the babysitting phase of the evening was just about to begin. And just when she was starting to really enjoy herself. Oh great, she thought, now I have to keep an eye on her to make sure she doesn't water the carpet. She figured she could always put Mitzi in the bathtub to sleep it off, and she would be right where she needed to be once it was time to clean up. She wasn't looking forward to the prospect of dragging a woman who was larger than she across the room, down the hall, and into a bathtub. She kept her thoughts to herself as she helped Mitzi across the room.
As soon as they reached the hall, Mitzi waved Heather off, saying, "IssokayIc'ndoi-HIC... I c'n do i'." Heather watched her weave down the long hall with great difficulty, careening off one wall to the other, and continued to watch her to make sure that she found the correct room. Sometimes drunks find the wrong room to do their business, and don't even notice. Heather suddenly had the feeling that this was going to turn out to be a lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-ong night.
After a few minutes, Mitzi finally made her way back to the living room. She stood against the wall for a moment, looking for all the world as though she had no idea where she was. She looked around, saw Heather, sighed and grinned, then worked her way across the room to the bar. She wasn't looking forward to the next trip to the ladies' room, but at least it was over for now. Occupational hazards for the modern working girl.
"Are you alright?"
"......huuuuuh?... (hup)..... Uh huh.... (hup).... I'm okay. Iss (hup).... iss juss tha'.... (hup)....." Mitzi sat there for a few seconds, completely dazed, swaying and weaving in her seat. She focused on her glass long enough to have another sip, then looked back at Heather: ".....iss o-(hup)... iss okay." She sat there silently for a full minute, trying to keep her hiccups quiet (although they were still completely visible). Eventually her mouth fell open and stayed that way, causing the hiccups to ring out in the room with increasing volume and frequency. Her chin was resting on the back of her hand in a valiant effort to help her fight off gravity. She'd fought this battle many times and lost every one of them, but there's a first time for everything.
Heather could hear the liquid sloshing around in Mitzi's stomach, giving her hiccups a wet, splashy quality that made her think about Monique, her first roommate at college. They roomed together for six months, and Heather couldn't recall even one single instance where she wasn't either drinking, getting drunk, being drunk, or sleeping it off. Great gal if you like to party, but if you're trying to study, it's a whole different story. Boy, what a lush she was, Heather thought. Probably a full-blown drunk by now...that is, if she's still even alive. Can't carry on like that every single day and expect to do it for long. Or maybe that was the point. Who knows.
She started thinking about the last time she helped Monique get home after drinking beer all afternoon at the campus pub. Her hiccups had that same wet sound, and she suddenly found herself giggling out loud at the thought of it. "Gawwwwwww', I'm soooooooo jjjjrunnnnnnk!" Monique kept saying, over and over again, as if anyone needed her to explain why she couldn't speak clearly or even walk without help.
Heather felt pretty drunk herself by this point, so it took her a moment to register that it was actually Mitzi saying this, not her own thoughts. "(hup)I..... I sh(hup)... shoodinna ha'... (hup)... tha' last jrink(hup)-aaaaaah, you gave me.... (hup)....."
"How much have you had t'day, Misty? You were alreddy reaaaaallly jrunk when you show'dup here, y'know."
"Huuuuuh? (hup) Okay.... le(hup)aaaah, lessee.... (hup).... I start'd a(hup)... uh-leven... an' I(hup), I had s'ree befo(hup), 'ore I go' here... (hup)...... an' th(hup), then..... s'ree bef(hup), before I go' dress'd, (hup)then anoth'r one, now ziss one.... (hup)....."
Heather was keeping a running tally on her fingers, then tried to focus on them long enough to add them up. "Well, zass only.... eigh' drinks you had. Thass no' a lo'.... if y'start'd at 11."
Mitzi looked up at Heather with the last amount of energy she was able to muster. "Whaddy(hup), whaddya mean, ONLY eigh' jr(hup), only eigh' jrinks? These're TRIP-ul(hup)... ulllz we're havin', y'know (hup)...." A look of concern came over Mitzi's face as she feared the worst. "Waitaminnit... (hup) dinnin I tellyoo?"
"Tell me wha'?"
"Uh-ohhhhh.... (hup)..... how many jrinks have you ha'? (hup)"
Heather held up her glass, which was still nearly full. "Ziss is numb'r five, I do b'lieve." Mitzi's bleary eyes widened in shock as she realized what was about to happen, and she knew that she wouldn't have much time to explain before that nap decided to take her. She sat straight up, her neck barely able to support the weight of her head.
"Hezz'r! (hup) Hezz'r, lissen t'm(hup) aaaaaah, lissen t' me.... (hup)iss real impor'u(hup) aaaah, 'm'por'unt... li(hup)issen... you b(hup)in jrinkin' tripl'z all nigh'(hup)...... an' (hup), an' you alredd(hup)aaaaah, had, (hup), too much (hup), an' you h(hic)aaaaah, youcantdrinkanymoreton(hup), -aaaaah, t'nigh'.... each gla(hup)aaaaah, each glasss iz like, (hup).... likehavingthreewholejrinks (hup)-aaaaah......" She lifted her hand and starting pointing vaguely towards Heather and the booze. Her eyes were vacillating between focusing on Heather as much as she could, and rolling back into her head. Fun is fun, but this was getting serious. Time was of the essence.
".....an'(hup)iss my job..... and my rissponsa(hup)aaaah, a-biluh'ee to make sure, (hup) you don' jrink more'n you c'n hannul.... (hup)... so, you alreddy h(hup), had more'n'anuff, t'nigh'... (hup)...uh-kay? (hup)....." She paused to take a big gulp of air, then paused for a few seconds to remember what she was saying. "....oh yeah....... beeeec(hup)-oooooozzz.... I dinnin juss', come h(hup)hereda get mySELF jrunk, uh-kay? I juss wansh(hup)-aaaah, wanshoo you t'know, (hup)..... (hup)..... (hup), whileIstillcan(hup). Uh-kay?"
The weight of her head finally being too much for her neck to support, Mitzi went back to holding it up with the back of her hand. After a minute of staring silently into space, she continued babbling for another few minutes. The syllables were bearing less and less resemblance to actual words, and the only meaning to be derived came from her vocal cadences and concerned facial expressions. The hiccups kept interrupting her, which was clearly becoming frustrating to her, as it was taking her twice as long to say what she thought she was managing to say (but which actually sounded like nonsensical slurring, even to Heather). But she knew she had vital information to share, and she wasn't about to let a bunch of hiccups keep her from her appointed rounds.
She gradually went silent, then sighed audibly as her hand slipped from under her chin and her head landed on her arm. She sat like that for several seconds while Heather waited for her to finish making her point, but it was slowly becoming clear that it wouldn't be happening soon.
"Missseeee? Missee, are you uh-kay?" Heather lifted Mitzi's head up by the hair and shook her shoulders. "Say som'pfin'!"
Mitzi had nothing to say by this point. She was out like a light. She was still hiccuping like mad, so at least Heather knew she was still breathing. She held Mitzi's head up for a few more seconds, then got an idea. Still holding her head, Heather decided to prop her drinking buddy back up to the position in which she was sitting just before passing out.
[It wasn't until months later, when she was back in California, that something triggered her memory and she recalled this specific incident. She shook her head and laughed, wondering what she thought the logic behind this brilliant plan was supposed to be. Oh well, that's booze for you.]
Heather took Mitzi's hand and, after a few sloppy attempts, finally positioned her in such a way that she was able to remain sitting up in her unconscious state. Her eyes were half-lidded, and only the whites were showing. Her mouth was hanging open, and the hiccups were making her whole body dance around. When the brain's away...
Her little plan a success, Heather sat there with a relaxed smile as the full meaning of Mitzi's admonishment began to dawn on her: she had consumed 12 ounces of alcohol in just over six hours, and it was beginning to hit her hard. She got up to pour the remainder of her glass into the sink, and found she had to hold on to the wall as she went to the kitchen. Heather weighed little more than a hundred pounds, so that alcohol didn't have far to go before it reached her brain. The very act of standing up caused the effect to heighten in intensity, sending the message from the brain to the limbs that it's time to stop behaving properly and join the party.
Heather returned to the living room and leaned against the wall for a moment. She realized how drunk she had gotten, but she wasn't worried. She knew that the only thing to do now was to stop drinking for the rest of the evening, so she switched to water. She knew each hour would bring her closer to sobriety, and figured she might as well sit back and enjoy the buzz while she had it going. She didn't realize, however, that the effect of the alcohol hadn't yet reached its apex, and that over the course of the next two hours she would actually be getting more intoxicated before the sobering-up process could begin.
Her bleary, bloodshot eyes tried to focus on the clock on the wall. It was five minutes before 10:00. She thought it said 11:00. What difference did it make. She sat back down at the bar, and started singing wordlessly along with a CD playing in the background. After a few minutes, she didn't seem to mind (or even remember) that her propped-up friend was unconscious and already in the process of sleeping off her day of heavy drinking. The hiccups were bouncing Mitzi around pretty well, but not so much as to cause the house of cards to collapse again. Heather was having the time of her life.
There was a knock on the door.
And then another knock. And another. Then finally, the doorbell. That got Heather's attention. She spun around in her barstool to face the door, and carefully got up to answer it. She peered through the curtain and saw a young redheaded woman outside. "Whoizzi'?" she asked from behind the locked door.
"Hi, I'm your neighbor, may I use your phone, please?"
"....My neighburrrr?"
"Yeah. I live right next door. My phone just went out, and I need to make a call. May I please come in?"
Heather started to undo the four locks on her door which Dave made a point of having installed for her protection, which wasn't as easy to do as it had been just hours earlier. She opened the door and greeted her new guest. "Hiiiiii! I'm Heth'r, an', an' today, izz my birssday!"
"Is that so? Well, happy birthday, Heather! I'm Susie, I live next door.... oh, I already said that... anyway, my phone just went out, and I have to make an important call. I really appreciate this."
"Suuuure. Th' phone, izz right ov'r there."
"Thanks, I really appreciate this." Susie went over to the phone, looked at the piece of paper in her hand, and dialed the number written on it. "Yes, Room 307, please." She turned to Heather and said, "I gotta call my parents, they're in Atlanta right now and they've probably been trying to reach me all evening, and -- hello, Mom? Hi. How's it going over there?.... good... no, everything's fine over here... have you been trying to call?... oh nothing, just something's wrong with the phone... I don't know, it's just not working, that's all I know... I'm calling from next door..."
Susie looked across the room at Heather, who had returned to her seat, and her friend who hadn't bothered to turn around and say hello. Well, isn't that polite, she thought. "...yeah, the ones who just moved in...well, I just met her two minutes ago, but yeah, she seems very nice... well anyway, I just wanted to let you know that everything's okay here, in case you were trying to reach me.... alright?... I'll call the phone company tomorrow and have them fix.... whatever it is.... okay? Great. Good night."
Susie put the phone down and let out a big sigh of relief. "Got that taken care of...my folks call me every night to make sure everything's okay, and I didn't notice until a few minutes ago that our line was dead. They really worry about me being alone, and they'd probably send my uncle over to check on me. I mean, I like my uncle, he's really cool, it's just...... are you okay?"
Heather was staring at Susie with lidded, glazed eyes and a sleepy grin. And sleepy it was: she has been awake since 7:00, and the alcohol wasn't exactly helping her stay awake. "Suuure, I'm grea'...hey, you wanna jrink or some'pfin'?"
"Sure, you got any beer?"
"Iss prob'y in th' frij, help yourself," Heather said, pointing towards the kitchen.
"Thanks." Susie made a beeline for the kitchen to check out the inventory. "You only have two left," she called out, "but at least you got my favorite brand. Hey, you're making a good impression already, neighbor!" She returned to the living room, and walked over to the bar to join her hosts.
"Oh.... I com-plee'lee f'rgot... this is... my frien' Missee."
"Oh. Hello, Missy."
"Noooo, I said, Missee, M-I-T-Z--"
"Oh, Mitzi. My name's Susie, it's nice to meet you." She waited for a response that never came, and it didn't take her long to figure out why. She got within inches of Mitzi's face, and blew air on her as if she were blowing out candles on a cake. Mitzi's chin slipped out from under her hand once again, her forehead landing on her arm.
Susie watched Mitzi hiccup for a few seconds, then turned to Heather and raised an eyebrow. "How many has she had? Two, maybe three drinks?"
"Sheeeeeeeez bin a' i' a while."
"Yeah, I guess!" Susie lifted Mitzi's arm up and let it drop back onto the bar. "Man, she is really loaded! Is it her birthday, too?"
"No, no-no-no, she just came over here t'--"
"Wait a minute. I know who this is. Of course! It's Peterson's girl." Heather looked up in surprise. Peterson? How did she know the name of Dave's boss? "Oh, you probably don't even know what I'm talking about. Peterson is my dad's boss, and --"
"Heeeeey, thass my husb'nz boss TOO!" Small world.
"Really? So he's in Atlanta for the big to-do they got going on over there, right?" Heather nodded, happy to already have so much in common with her new friend. "They come to my boyfriend's restaurant all the time. Actually, it's not his place, he's just the assistant manager there. They usually come in around seven for dinner, then spend the rest of the night ordering drinks until it's time to close. She can really put it away, too! It's pretty impressive."
She took a huge swig of her beer, then continued. "I will say this for them, though: she never gets obnoxious, and he's a GREAT tipper! In fact, whenever they show up, my boyfriend calls me up at home and has me come in to wait on them. Peterson is probably the biggest tipper they've ever had there. I make more waiting on them two nights a week than I would if I were.... so how do you know her?"
"My husb'nz ou' o' town, and he dinnin wan' me t' be alone on my birssday, so..."
"...so he called Rent-A-Bimb and had her delivered, is that it? Like a pizza? You know, I'm just next door, you could've called me."
"I dinnin know you were there. We jus' go' here a week ago."
"Well, now ya doooooo," Susie replied in a mock-Southern accent. She held out her hand and reintroduced herself. "Hah Heathurr, Ah'm Susie, it's a pleazhurr t' meetcha." They shook hands, then Susie grabbed Mitzi's hand again and shook it vigorously. "And you too, Mitzibelle, it's mighty fine to meeechoo too!" Mitzi didn't respond to any of this, of course, and continued hiccuping in her sleep.
"Y'know, I jus' met her this mornin'. I almost nevvur drink this musch, but she 'nsissid."
Susie watched Mitzi as the hiccups made her unconscious body dance around, then shook her head and chuckled. "Yeah, that's how she usually ends up by closing time. She really loves her booze. Actually, she's the one who does most of the drinking. He usually splits around eight or so, and leaves her there till after we close."
"Til affur you close?"
"Yeah. They're usually open from nine a.m. to nine p.m., right? But when Peterson makes a reservation for two, he has a deal with the owner to keep it open for his girlfriend as long as she wants to stay. He just opens his wallet and cuts the major check to everyone. The owner, the waiters, everyone. It ain't cheap, neither, keeping an establishment like that open after hours for just one customer. I mean, the guy just splurges. And for what? So she can get stinking drunk and pass out in a restaurant, instead of at home?" She shrugged, then took another large swig from her beer, nearly finishing it.
Heather sat there, taking it all in. Was any of this even really happening?
"So we just keep serving her drinks all night until she passes out. Sometimes she just sits there by herself, sometimes she'll bring one of her bimbo friends with her to have a drinking contest. And she always, always wins. She's usually out cold by one or two in the morning, but sometimes she keeps at it till four or five. Like I said, she can really put 'em away. But the longer we babysit her, the more he tips us. Works out great for everyone." Susie finished her beer and went to get another. "Hey, you want something?"
"Suuuurrrre. I'm jrinkin' wat'r."
"Good idea. Here, give me your glass, I'll refill it for you."
Susie returned with a beer and a water glass, took a swig from her beer, and continued. "It's pretty great, actually! It's like, we get paid to do nothing but wait on her. You know? It's not like there's really a whole lot involved there: bring her another double iced tea or martini every hour, help her to the ladies' room every 30 or 40 minutes, then sit around and wait till she needs us again. I usually bring a book with me to pass the time. She's pretty low-maintenance as far as drunks go, I will say. Sometimes she gets wasted on beer or wine, but it's usually the hard stuff. She luuuuuvs those iced teas. You know she used to be a professional bartender? She showed our guy how to make them better. But anyway, yeah, it's the easiest money we make around there." Heather pondered all this, then drank nearly the entire glass of water.
"Wow, you're really thirsty, aren't you? You want more?" Heather shook her head no, and Susie picked up where she left off. "She just sits there drinking quietly until she falls forward and we call someone to pick her up. Never a problem to deal with. At least not for me, I just serve the drinks. She's pretty funny, too. Once she gets going on her tangents, it's totally worth the entertainment value just to listen to her babble. I mean, it's better than anything on TV! Then her ride shows up, and we all get a big fat tip for our efforts....."
Heather finished her water, and Susie went back into the kitchen to refill her glass. She returned with a pitcher filled with water. "There, that should make things a little easier... well, anyway, normally we can't stand customers like this, they always get loud and obnoxious and try to start trouble. Lucky for us the police station is just a block away, and the owner has two brothers on the force, so things never get out of hand there. But she's different: never rude, always friendly and easygoing. She just sits there smiling with that dopey look on her face. Y'know, if all drunks were like this, life would be a LOT easier."
Susie looked down at her beer and noticed it was half-empty. She leaned back and guzzled the rest of it, then let out a silent burp. She started to go back to the kitchen, then said, "Hey, I'm gonna go home real quick, I got a bunch of beers over there. You wanna come over for a minute or two? Oh, don't worry about her. She'll be alright." She watched Mitzi for a few seconds, then added with a chuckle, "She can always try holding her breath. That usually works!"
Having navigated across the room to let Susie in, Heather was feeling slightly more confident about her ability to step outside and go next door. She focused on the wall near the door, then walked very quickly across the room to reach it before losing her balance. She stood there looking completely dazed, then looked over to Susie with a triumphant grin.
"Uhhh....mmmmmmmmm-MAYBE you'd best just stay here. I'll be right back in a minute anyway." Susie took one last look at both Heather and Mitzi, the smallest trace of a smirk crossing her face, then stepped out the door.
Heather continued to stand there in a daze, not quite realizing that Susie had left without her. Once she did, she made her way out the door, then looked in both directions to see which way she went. She saw Susie step onto her porch and staggered over to catch up. She was having a lot of difficulty standing and walking, but managed to stay vertical long enough to reach the porch. She opened the front door clumsily and stumbled into the living room, where she fell to the floor in a fit of giggles.
The noise sent Susie running out of the kitchen to find Heather sprawled on the floor, laughing uncontrollably. She watched as Heather crawled over to the couch on all fours, grabbing the armrest and using it to lift herself up. After about three seconds of managing to stand up on her own, she lost her balance again, flailing her arms before falling sideways over the armrest and onto the couch.
"You want me to call you a cab, or something? 'Cause I've been having a few beers myself tonight, and I DON'T feel like driving!"
"Yeah, yoo'beddur...I'm reeeeeally jrunk right now."
"Uh....yeah, I was wondering about that. OK, pal, better gimme your keys, you ain't drivin' NOwhere tonight!"
"Okay," Heather replied, the sarcasm completely sailing over her head. "C'n I havva beer?"
"How many have you had so far, my little friend? My little drunk friend sitting over there on the couch, can't even sit up straight, hmmmmm? You tell me! Riddle me this!"
It took Heather a few seconds to fully understand the question before she finally responded, "I havint bin jrinking beer."
Susie waited a good ten seconds for Heather to finish her thought, then finally asked, "So? What are you having?"
"........ice teeeeez."
"You're having Long Island Ice Teas? Jeez, that explains it! And your friend back there has had a couple of 'em too, right? At least?"
"Yeeeeeaaaaahhh, we bin drinking all nigh'..."
"Yeah, and it looks like you got a headstart on me. I've only been at it since eight o'clock. But I DO intend to make up for lost time. I've already had four, and I'm going to try to drink all of these" - she held up the six-pack - "and whatever I don't have, you can keep yourself for another day. Okay? Think of it as kind of a housewarming gift. You know: 'Say It With Beer'."
"Huuuhhh? Oh....okay!" Heather had no idea what she was agreeing to, but whatever it was, Susie seemed friendly enough, so it was probably just fine.
"Let me grab the beer, and some munchies, and we'll head back over, okay? Your friend is probably wondering where we are right now," she added with a raised eyebrow. Susie was the type who loved cracking wise, and this situation was providing her with plenty of material at every turn. She had a feeling she was going to have a great time hanging out with her new neighbor, and she figured Mitzi would be a barrel of laughs whether she woke up or not.
This arrangement couldn't have worked out better for her: her parents were gone for the rest of the week, she had the next few days off from work, and the idea of knocking back several beers seemed like a great one. Besides having only a hundred feet or so to travel home (and no roads to cross), there was no way on earth she was going to embarrass herself in front of people who were far drunker than she could even hope to get. Perfect!
Susie walked over to the couch and grabbed Heather by the hand, lifting her to her feet then letting go. Heather continued falling forward, grabbing Susie's shoulder and looking up at her with eyes that told the whole story. "Hiiiiiiiiiii!"
"Hey there, you. We're done here, let's head back over!"
"Mmmmm......wha'?"
"Back to your place, if you can. If you dare. Well, you certainly can't stay here, that's for sure." With that, Susie put one arm around Heather and walked her back next door.
"You know," Susie said with a slight strain in her voice as she helped Heather back to her place, "for such a tiny person, you're pretty heavy."
"I know, huh. I like t' eat."
"No, I don't mean you're fat. I mean, you're definitely not fat! I just meant it's a lot of weight for someone else to c-...ah, here we are. That didn't take forever, now did it?" She leaned Heather against the wall, opened the door, grabbed her grocery bag and followed Heather inside.
"Oh...okay."
"Meanwhile, back in the drunk tank..." Mitzi was still exactly where they left her: passed out at the bar, still hiccuping, and now also snoring. "She's had the hiccups ever since I got here. Probably have 'em all night, too."
"Shee wuzz already pass'd out when you got here."
"What do you mean? She was sitting up when I got here."
"Yeeaaaah, buuut.....I had to prop her up, and..."
"You propped her up?" That one sent Susie back reeling. This material is writing itself, she thought. "What on earth made you think to do th--" She decided to just cut that one off, make a mental note of it, and move on. "Oh well, she's down but not out. I think we'll be hearing plenty from the ol' girl before the night's over. Oh here, let me get you some more of that..."
Susie went over to the bar and filled Heather's water glass for her. "Here. You drink. Is good." Heather reared back and drank the whole glass in one swig, then gave the glass back to Susie, who returned to the bar with it. "A few more of those before you go to bed, and maybe you won't feel so crappy when you wake up. Right, Mitzi?" she added, slapping Mitzi on the back.
".....huuuuuuuh?" Mitzi lifted her head up and opened her eyes, then looked around without seeming to register much. She didn't seem to notice that she still had the hiccups, but she did notice Susie sitting next to her and tried to introduce herself. "Hiiiiii! (hup)My name izz M(hup), -izzsee, an' I'(hup)mmm... an' I'm.... (hup)" She struggled to finish her sentence, but her eyes rolled back into her head and she passed out again.
"...and you're an alcoholic. Yeah, we know. Save it for the meeting, okay?" Susie turned to Heather and said, "This is almost too easy, y'know? Like shooting fish in a barrel!" She looked at Mitzi, then at Heather again. "You propped her up. You actually put her chin on her hand, and made her sit up like that." She shook her head and chuckled. As she leaned back in her seat to take another healthy swig, she didn't notice Mitzi stirring again.
"Ashully... (hup)... hol' on... (hup)..." With a great deal of effort, Mitzi finally lifted her head up and used her hand to prop it up. "...ashu(hup)aaaah, ashully, I'm no'(hup)aaaah, no' an alcahollick(hup)aaaaah..... (hup).... (hup)I'm juss reeeeally, r(hup), reeeeeeeeally jrunk righ' now.... (hup) so if you thingtha' I(hup) I can'hannul (ten seconds of unintelligible slurring), then you don' know m(hup), know me vurry well!" She slipped off her hand and back into unconsciousness, and started snoring again.
"Y'know, I used to think she was just a lightweight who didn't know her limit. After watching her do this for almost a year, I finally figured it out. She knows exactly what her limit is, she just likes going WAY over it. BIG difference. She knows what she's doing. I'd hate to be inside her head the next morning, but she sure looks like she's having fun in the meantime. Hey, nice work if you can get it."
Heather was too drunk and sleepy to be able to keep up with Susie's chatter, and just stared blankly at her while she spoke. Susie was a naturally upbeat and talkative person, and the several beers she'd consumed did nothing to slow her down or trip her up. Meeting her new neighbor for the first time only added to her excited state, and she was quite capable of working both sides of a conversation on her own if she had to. "Hey, Mitz! Wake up! How about another drink?" Susie said as she poked Mitzi into waking up again.
"......wh'.... (hup)...... huuuuh? I w(hup)anna 'nuth'r jrrrink.,. (hup)an' one f(hup)or Ka-issa(hup)....." Mitzi lifted her head up, immediately propping it up with her hand, and motioned with her other hand at who she thought was her friend sitting next to her. "an'.... (hup).... an' I th(hup)ingk.... iss time(hup).... to havannu(hup), uth'r jrink b'fore it g(hup).... b'fore.... (hup)..." She finally focused on Susie long enough to recognize her. "...(hup)hey, wai' a minni', I kn(hup) -ow you! (hup) Hey, you're th' (hup)... you're my bessist fr(hup)uhhh, ffffriend a' th'(hup).... a'th'ressaron(hup).... hey, c'n y(hup), c'n you bring me a(hup)nnuth'r jrink, (hup) and another one f(hup), for Ka-issa? (hup).... (hup) I thingk sh(hup), sheez ready f'r annuth'r one(hup)... sheez (hup) sheez juss leddin' m(hup)me do the ordering.... (hup)... tonigh'..."
With that, gravity won again as Mitzi's hand slipped from under her chin, causing her head to land on her arm. Her other hand, the thumb still pointing over her shoulder at the friend she imagined was sitting next to her, dropped down on the bar a second later to join the rest of her.
"Clarissa is the bimbo she brought with her the other night. That's the one she usually brings with her. They come in all dressed up like it's 1957, all prim and proper and dolled up, but after a few hours, they're not so sophisticated anymore, y'know? They just keep drinking until they're both out cold. Gives the employees a little floor show to round out the evening's entertainment." Susie finished the rest of her beer, then went to the kitchen for another.
"Here, have some water." Susie filled Heather's glass again and handed it to her, then went back to the bar and sat down. She shook her head, then removed the glass from Mitzi's hand. "Here...this ain't the restaurant, it's your carpet, and we don't want Mitzi going messy-messy all over everything." She moved the glass far enough away to avoid Mitzi's accidental drunken swipes, and then looked back at Heather.
"What cracks me up is the amount of time they obviously put into getting themselves up like that. I mean, they must primp for hours. And for what? Go out looking like something out of a Rat Pack movie, have people wait on you and feed you booze until you start behaving like a complete idiot and end up falling flat on your face? I mean, what decade is this, anyway? And last time I checked, this ain't Las Vegas! Seems like a lot of extra work to me. Give me a blouse, a skirt and a pair of shoes, and I'm good to go!"
Susie was just beside herself with her luck in walking into something like this. Watching Mitzi drink herself into a stupor was something she usually thought of as part of her job description, so the sheer novelty of witnessing it off the clock provided her with no end of inspiration for fun. She also realized that Heather was too far gone to have a conversation with someone on her hyper level, so she decided to ease off on the dialogue and go into entertainment mode for her new friend on her birthday.
"Hey, Heather! You wanna see something funny? Check this out..." She leaned over and spoke into Mitzi's ear with an affected tone, adopting an obviously fake French accent: "Would madaaahhhmmm carrrrrrre for some wiiiiiine? To rrrrround out her meeeeeeeal?"
Mitzi snapped out of her slumber and lifted her head a few inches up from her arm. "...wwwwwww'llll, (hup)as, as a m(hup)a'ur o'fack..... ye(hup)esssssss, ma'um an'..... an' h(hup) her frien' Ka-ISsa, w(hup)uuuhh, woul' like a bo'(hup), a bodd-dullll o' your... y(hup)our VERRY... bess(hup)..." She then began slurring what she seemed to think were names of French wines before nodding out again.
"I LOVE that! I'm so glad she did that for you! That's how she orders wines. She loves to order French wines in front of her bimbo friends, you know, act like Sophisto Woman out on the town." Susie moved her shoulders back and forth to demonstrate. "The funny part is, Peterson orders EVERYthing before he leaves, AND how much. So she can order French wines or martinis or whatever all she wants, but if Peterson says she gets one triple Long Island every hour on the hour, that's what she gets. And she knows it too. Which is what makes it so funny when she starts ordering."
Susie took a sip of her beer and smiled at Heather with a gleam in her eyes. "But yeah, the whole idea of drinking wine for hours, and THEN ordering it. Man, she just cracks me up!" She stood up to stretch, then looked around and said, "You'll have to excuse me, I have something to do right now. And I mean, right now!" It wasn't until she stood up that she realized her bladder was in serious need of emptying, and she walked very quickly down the hall to deal with it. Heather just sat there in a daze and tried to say something to Susie, not fully grasping the idea that it would be better to wait until she returned. She managed to realize that before she finished mumbling, directing the rest of her syllables to the hiccuping woman sprawled unconscious on the bar.
Susie returned to the living room and made her way back to her seat next to Mitzi. "Boy, those beers really catch up with you! I wish I felt more buzzed, but that's the way it goes, I guess. Or maybe it's because next to ol' Ditzy here, I just think I'm not as far gone by comparison......hey look, her hiccups stopped." Susie looked up at Heather and stuck out her lower lip in a mock pout, then chuckled again. "But we can still have puuuuh-lenty of fun here!" Susie pondered this for a moment, then leaned over again and spoke into Mitzi's ear with the same affected voice: "May we recommend a fine wine from 1946, a pllllayfulllll, yet insousciant --"
That was all Mitzi needed to hear: "P'ayfu', insooos.... insoosin... a heardee booo-kayy, and almos' as goo' as th' ni'tee', ni'tee'fiffy'tschoo Chateau...." She lapsed back into slurring nonsensical syllables that she obviously thought were French, and this time, she didn't fall asleep.
"Yeah, I figured she'd bounce back soon enough. Sometimes she takes a little catnap at the restaurant around this time, but after 30 or 40 minutes, she's ready to pick right back up again." She slapped her hands together and pushed one of them away from her and upward, as if to say, "Up, up and awaaaaay!" She grabbed Mitzi's glass from the end of the bar, and put it back in her hand. "Here, have a drrrrrink, madaaaaahhhhm."
Mitzi was staring blankly into space, but hearing the word "drink" put a big smile on her face. She started to lift the glass in her hand as if it had been there the whole time, then changed her mind and stared into space again. She started to look around the room, then looked at Susie as if noticing her for the first time that evening. Her eyes widened, her head wobbled loosely on her neck, and a toothy grin came over her face. "Hiiiii. My name izz Missee....Ma...g'ood'r."
"What did you...? Did you say, McHooter?" Susie looked over at Heather and shrugged, as if she hoped Heather could wake up enough to translate for her.
Is everyone deaf around here?, Mitzi almost thought to herself. "How come.... ev'ryon' sezza'? Lissss'n! I saaaaaaaaaid" - she enunciated as carefully as she was physically and mentally able - "Maaaaa, gggrrrrruuuuuuu, d'rrrrrrr. Lissen up fr'm now on! Okay?" She looked down at the beer in Susie's hand and did her best to put two and two together. "Whassamadd'r? Y'jrunk 'r somepfin'?"
"Oh. MaGRUder. That's a nice name." Susie went into a silly Irish brogue. "Aaaaayy, another fairrrrr bonny Irrrrish lass. Hi, dee-di, dee-di, dee-di!" Susie's fair skin, flaming red hair, twinkling blue eyes and gift of gab would leave no one in doubt as to her proud Irish heritage. She could also hold her own in the drinking department as well, although she'd be the first to admit that she couldn't keep up with Mitzi if she tried. She liked her own pace, and rode it well. She took another swig of beer, did a quick jig in her seat, and continued, "...dee-di, dee-di, dee-di. Dee-deedly-dee, dee-DEE. Olé!!!!" She snapped her fingers as if she were playing castanets, then broke out into laughter. Mitzi tried to chuckle along, not wanting to appear to have missed the joke (whatever it was). "I'm Irish too. Betcha couldn't guess, huh?"
"Huuuuhh? Oh.....thass nice." Mitzi looked vaguely at Heather, then down at her glass. She started to lift it, then decided it would be easier to bend forward and put her mouth on the glass. Once she was sure of her position, she reared back and brought the glass up with her, guzzling nearly half of her drink. "....aaaaaaaahhhhhh! Tha' was good." Her eyes widened as she turned to Susie and added, "Hey, juss like th' lass one! Huh?" She grinned silently at Susie for a few seconds, then shrugged one shoulder and giggled.
Moving right along, Susie had a flash of inspiration: "Hey, Mitz! Shouldn't we sing to the birthday girl before it's midnight?"
Mitzi spun around with less control than she thought she had, bringing two legs of the barstool off the ground and sending her into a precarious balancing act. She didn't seem to notice that she was about to fall over, stool and all, and probably would have done just that if Susie hadn't reached out to steady it for her. By this point, she was so completely out of it that she probably wouldn't have noticed even after it happened.
"Yeaaaah, less SING! Iss yer birssday, an' w-, we're suhPOsa sing, an' then we..." Mitzi got up off her stool and leaned against the bar to hold herself up. "I wanna de'i'ca' ziss t' my, t'my goo' frien' Hezz'r, an', an' wish'r a, a verrry.....haphy birssday." With that, she began warbling a drunken rendition of the birthday song for Heather. She did her best to sing in key and remember the words, but at least half of her energy was being spent in standing up, as her legs were no longer of any use to her in this regard. She was literally falling-down drunk, but protocol dictates that you rise to your feet for special occasions such as this.
Susie just sat back and took in the show, occasionally meeting eyes with Heather and quickly raising an eyebrow. She managed to keep a straight face in front of Mitzi about it, but that just made it even more fun for her. She certainly wasn't out to hurt anyone's feelings, after all; anyone could do that, takes no imagination at all. Besides, the nicer she was to Mitzi, the more free entertainment she could count on getting before the night was over. If I play my cards right, she thought, this could go on until sunrise.
After a few unplanned detours, Mitzi finally made it to the end of the song, and Susie joined in for the last two words and started clapping. This was enough to make Mitzi think that they were duetting the whole time, and she was as pleased as punch when they reached the end of the song together. Mitzi started clapping along with Susie for a few seconds, and as she turned to look at Heather, Susie stood behind her and shrugged at Heather again, silently chuckling to herself. Having given the other two ample opportunity to speak, Mitzi finally decided it was once again her turn. "Okay, blow ou' th' cannulllz!"
Susie put her hands on Mitzi's shoulders and did her best not to burst out laughing as she explained the current situation. "Uhhhhh, Mitzi? Listen, hon...it's like this: there are no candles here, and there is no cake on which to put them." She was about to go into more detail, but she suddenly realized she'd be better off biting her lip and trying not to burst into hysterical laughter.
"WhaaaaAAAAAT??? Zere'z, suhPOsa be a cake, I ordurdit. A looooong tim'ago!" Mitzi spun around to face the front door with as much anger as she could muster. "Wh, wh....where IZZat guy? Heez suhposa be here wi'...wi th' CAKE. An'..." She took a huge swallow of air, then lost some of her balance as her hand slipped off the bar. She quickly grabbed her barstool and sat herself down by Braille, then sat there for a few seconds staring blankly into space before the irritated look came back on her face. "I tol'um t' hav' i' heeer...righ' heeer" - she banged the bar with her fist twice for emphasis - "by mi'nigh'... an' he be'ur r'mem'r t' do...th' job they hi-urd himm t' do!....I meeeen....whassee thingk ziss izz, anyway?...."
If this were a hundred years ago, Susie thought, we would have been the most mind-bending ventriloquism act vaudeville had ever seen! They'd STILL be talking about how great it was. They'd run specials about us on cable, with all kinds of rare footage of scratchy films from the '20s, and famous old people smoking cigars and talking in gravelly voices about how brilliant we were..."Yea, we woik'd de whol' coikitt wit' Susie 'n Mitzi...dey wuz de mos' amazin' ventriloquiss ack I evah saw. In, My, Life. You could behhly see Susie's lips move when Mitzi wuz doin' de babblin'...it wuz genius, I tell ya, pure genius....dey set de standahd, by which...awwwl mahdehn cahmedy.....is measuhd!"
Susie's absurdist extrapolations finally got the best of her, and she stepped a few feet behind Mitzi and buried her face in her hands for a good ten seconds, convulsing in silent hysterics. After she finally got her laughter back under control, she looked up to see Mitzi babbling obliviously about nothing to nobody. Susie looked up at the clock, then got up and crossed the room. "Well, he's not late yet, it's only 11:40 right now, there's still a few minutes to go bef--"
"....whaaa'?" Mitzi looked over at Susie with a confused look on her face, then up at the clock on the wall. She squinted and tried her best to focus, but after a few seconds she just decided to take Susie's word for it. Her dilemma solved, she went from agitated to cheerful in less than a second. "Oh! Thass all? Thass grea'. Becozz th-, tha' meenz we still go', anuth'r...."
"Twenty minutes."
Mitzi nodded in wide-eyed agreement. "....twenny minniss, an', an', we cut th' cake, an'...an' sing Hapfy Birssday to my bessist frien'..." - she looked over at Heather with renewed fondness, then over at Susie as if she just remembered she was there - "an' my OTH'R bessiss frien', an'..." She lapsed back into unintelligible slurring, but from the look on her face she seemed to think she was making complete sense and making excellent points. In truth, she barely even knew who or where she was anymore.
Susie walked over to the lamp next to where Heather was sitting, turned it off, and gave the room a quick scan. "Yeah, there's still plenty of light in here." She looked down at Heather, who hadn't had much to say in a while. "How you doin' there? Having fun?"
"....hmm? Uhhh....I'm.....ziss izz grea'." Heather looked up towards Susie and broke into a huge grin. She wondered why Susie was removing the shade from the lamp, but it didn't seem worth the effort to ask and find out.
"Excellent. Just sit back and relax, this is for you, neighbor." She paused, then added, "You know? Once you get past tomorrow's hangover, we gotta get together and have some fun. Y'know, go out and DO things? Like things that don't involve drinking? Or her?" She pointed with her thumb toward Mitzi, who was still babbling to herself, then returned to the bar with the lampshade.
"...an' izz a goo' thingk f'r himmmmm....tha' heez no' layt' wi' z' cake...oth'rwizzzz, I...I'd haffa r'POR' h'm..." She took a small sip from her drink, then set it down and swiveled her barstool around to face the room with a semi-serious look came over her face. "I mean, I...I do my job, an' I happ'n t' be verry goo' a' i'. Uh-kay? And I esspeck, ev'ryone else, t' do their job goo' too...becozz ziss, has go'uh be, th' bess......th' bessis birssday, you ev'r haaaad.....an' never forge'....an'......."
She stopped in mid-sentence and stared at Susie and Heather, then at the door. She swiveled back to face the bar and tried to focus on her glass long enough to grab it. She finally covered one eye with her left hand, which seemed to make it a little less impossible for her right hand to find. Once she had a grip on it, she started to lift it, but decided to hold off for a moment, as if just knowing it was in her hand was good enough for now. She swiveled back around and started to speak, but changed her mind. She sighed, grinned, and sat there silently to leave the conversation open for the other two.
Susie looked at Mitzi, then at the clock, then at Heather with a look that said, "I'm not sure where this next one is going to go, we'll just have to wing it and see what happens." She still had the lampshade in her hand, tapping it silently in time to the music on the CD player, patiently waiting for the right moment to put it to use. She was in no rush, she knew it would happen soon enough. After about a minute or so of silence from everyone, Susie finally leapt up and said, "So! What are we waiting for? Let's sing Happy Birthday!"
Mitzi looked up with a puzzled expression and said, "Bu'...bu' I though'...dinnin we a'reddy sing Hapfy Birssday?" She could've sworn...
"....uhhhh.....actually, no we didn't! We were waiting for the cake, remember?"
"Way'een f'r z' cake?"
"Yeah. We didn't want to sing before the cake arrived." Susie looked over at Heather and arched her eyebrows. "I mean, c'MOOON! What is this?" She was starting to become more overt in her sarcasm, but only because she knew Mitzi was so brain-dead that she wasn't even picking up on the subtleties. In fact, the more Susie put exaggerated emphasis into her words, the more she seemed to convince Mitzi that she was just having a spirited time. Mitzi saw this as a sure sign that everything was going according to plan, which of course caused her to become even more vivacious and reply in an equally exaggerated manner.
"Yeeaah, huh? Wha' IZZ zis?" Mitzi thought about it as best she could, then finally shrugged and grinned, figuring she must have just had it mixed up with something else. Some other birthday party. Or something. "Yea', o-kay.... heeeey, y'know wha'? You're a lo'uh funnn......wha'ur y'doon' 'omorrow?"
"Oh....if I'm lucky, and you're not too hungover, probably hanging out with you."
Mitzi threw a fist in the air, which almost caused her to fall off her barstool. "YEEEAAAAHH! Tha'ull.... tha'ull be GREA'! We c'n....." Mitzi started to name off the many fun activities the two of them could do together, but none were coming to her at the moment. A puzzled look came over her face, which quickly turned into a grin as she leaned over toward Susie and spoke softly. "Y'know wha', tho'? I c'n..... I know how t' make a reaaaal goo' marguree'uh.... iss one o' my... my speshul'heez.... an'... an' if yoov' nevv'r ha' one o' my marguree'uhz, then... then izz mayvee abou' time yoo-" Right then, the doorbell rang. It was a limo driver from the escort service arriving with a birthday cake. "Issa cake! Th' birssday cake is heeeer!" With that, Mitzi leapt to her feet and went to answer the door, getting no further than three steps before losing her balance and falling down.
Susie looked at the door, then at Mitzi. The doorbell rang again, so she casually said, "Oh, there's someone at the door. I'll get it." She set the lampshade down on the bar, walked to the door and called out in a silly falsetto, "Who-EEEEEEEEEEE-ziiiiit?"
I have a cake to deliver."
"Guess so, then!" Susie opened the door and let the driver in. "Just set it over there, if you would," she said, pointing to the bar where she and Mitzi had been sitting. "Hey Heather, look, it's your cake! NOW we're gonna sing to you, right Mitz?"
Mitzi was still on the floor, doing her best to sit up without falling over. "Huuuuh? Wha'...? Izzat th' cake? Hap-py birss-dayy toooo yoooo...."
"Nooooooooo! Hold on with that a second! Sheesh! We have to get Heather over here.....hey Heather, wake up!" Heather was sitting on the couch, completely nodded out. Susie motioned to the driver to help her lift Heather up and over to the bar. They sat her down in the stool in front of the cake, then walked over to Mitzi to lift her up.
"Ooohhh, booooy!!! Iss time t'sing th'.... ziss is gonna be th' bess..... I c'n sing real goo'... I happ'n t' be an, ess'ul'nt sing'r.... y'know, there'z more t' me th'n juss...."
"...and we're reeeeally looking forward to hearing it, too!" Susie shot a quick look to the driver, who was completely unexpressionless. He had seen this sort of thing plenty of times, and it no longer fazed him.
Once Heather and Mitzi were both safely ensconsed in their seats and Susie sat down to join them, the driver reached into a pocket and pulled out a plastic bag filled with candles. Before he could place the first candle on the cake, Susie held her hand over the cake and said, "Whoa, whoa, WHOA! I don't think candles would be SUCH a great idea right now, do you?" She nodded towards Heather, who was fast asleep, and Mitzi, who might as well have been, then arched an eyebrow at the driver. Without a word, he put the candles back in the bag and into his pocket. "Under the circumstances, y'know? She can blow out the frosting, that'll be good enough."
Susie noticed the driver looking at her as if he were waiting for instructions regarding Mitzi. "Oh, just leave her here. She hasn't outlived her usefulness just yet. I don't even live here anyway, so it's fine by me." She thanked the driver and sent him on his way, then returned to the party, now in full swing.
"Hey, Hezz'r! Wake up!" Mitzi started nudging Heather until she woke up long enough to sit up and say hello.
"Hiiiiii! Whass.....wha' di' yoo...."
"Okay, count of three! One, two...oh, wait a minute. Here!" Susie reached over, grabbed the lampshade, and stuck it on Mitzi's head. "There ya go, Mitz, your own party hat."
"...uh par'hee hat! I like pardeez."
"Yeah, I know, huh? Okay, one, two, three: Hap-py birth-day tooooo yoooou......"
By the time Susie led Mitzi in another rousing chorus of the birthday song, Heather had already fallen asleep right where she sat. They got as far as singing her name when she fell forward onto the bar, her face landing directly in the cake. Susie stopped singing immediately, but Mitzi was completely oblivious and finished the song on her own. "Okay, NOW you c'n blow ou' th' cannulz!" Mitzi grinned vacantly and stared into space for a few seconds, then finally looked over and noticed Heather's face buried in the cake. "Uh-oh....... wha'ur we g'.....wha' happ'n'?"
"What do you think happened?"
Mitzi looked up at Susie, waiting for an explanation, then back down at Heather. "I theen'shee pass'ou'.... I warn'd her no' t' jrink too musch..." She slapped the palm of her hand down on the bar. "I knew ziss wuzz gonna happ'n....'n now I godda go clean her up 'n everything..." Susie just stood there for a minute, her mind reeling with sarcastic replies. She almost blurted out one of the more clever ones, then heaved a weary sigh at the prospect of cleaning Heather up and putting her to bed. "Welll? Are y' juss gonna stan'zere? We go'uh ge' Hezz'r clean'dup! Firss, we go'uh ge' tha' stuff off'ur faysss, an' THEN, we go'uh..."
"Could you please just SHUT UP for a minute? Okay? Just... one...... minute. Thank you!"
Mitzi looked up with a slightly hurt look of surprise, then noticed her drink and cheered right back up. She leaned forward to put her mouth on the glass, which was about one-third full, then sat up straight, leaned back and emptied the glass faster than she could actually swallow it. She still had a mouthful of booze left, and some of it spilled out the side of her mouth, which she wiped off her cheek using the back of her hand. She looked over at Susie with her cheeks still puffed out, then finally swallowed the rest of her drink and flashed a sloppy grin. She lifted the empty glass to her mouth again and tried to take a drink, forgetting that she just finished it seconds earlier.
"Couldjoo pleeeeeeeeeze..... ge' me..... annuth'r jrink? Ziss one..." - she stuck out her lower lip as she turned her glass upside down to demonstrate - "izz...izz juss....I wanna 'nuth'r jrink....couldjoo ge' me one? P'eeeeeeeez'?"
"Just hold on, okay? I'm kinda busy here!" Susie mentally prepared to lift Heather across the room and down the hall. Mitzi, observant girl that she was, picked up on it instantly and started to wave Susie away from her appointed task.
"Heeey! Thass uh-kay, I c'n do i' myself...izz par'of my job... heeer, le' me do zatt..." With that, she stood up and immediately fell down.
"You just sit there, I think I'll (unh!) do this one on my own...thank you!" Susie lifted Heather off her seat, which woke her up just enough to try to help Susie help her walk. "Hey, kiddo. Wake up for a couple of minutes. Let's go get ya cleaned up, alright?"
"Hiiii..... wha'.... oh, uh-okay....." Heather flopped along as Susie half-carried her down the hall to the bathroom.
"...and you keep getting heavier as the night goes on, I notice. HERE y'go!" Susie said with a grunt as she sat Heather down on the floor. "There, at least you won't have too far to fall." She turned on the hot water, grabbed a washcloth and a bar of soap, and got to work. "Boy, you really let her get you plowed, didn't you, hon?"
".....uhhhh........ I dinn........ she wuz....."
"Spare me the gory details. Puh-leeeze! Here, sit up and hold still while I...there, all nice and cleaned up. At least on the outside. You might feel like crap when you wake up, but at least you won't be wondering why there's cake frosting all over your pillowcase. Or gettin' a good whiff of it while you're hungover. Oooooh, that sounds yummy, don't it?"
".......yummy........ thangkz........ Zoozee........"
"Hey, it's the least I could do for all the free entertainment I've gotten here tonight. And for all I know, it ain't over yet."
When they got halfway down the hall, Heather motioned Susie to stop. "....here." Susie plopped her on the bed with a final grunt, then started to undress her. She quickly reconsidered, removing only the shoes and leaving the rest for Heather to deal with in the morning. She turned off the light, closed the door and headed back to the living room.
Susie walked down the hall, wondering if she should go home or not, only to find that Mitzi had picked herself up off the ground and found her way back to the barstool. Susie noticed that it was just after midnight, and it didn't take long for her to decide there might still be something to get out of this, so she grabbed another beer and sat down at the bar. Mitzi had somehow lifted herself off the floor, walked around to the other side of the bar, found a nearly-empty vodka bottle, and found her way back to the barstool, where she began taking small sips straight from the bottle and nursing her loudest, most stubborn bout of hiccups yet.
"(HIC-kuh)Hiiii, Zoozi! (HIC-kuh)Howzit go'un? (HIC-kuh)"
"Well, I'm in no condition to drive home, but I'm hangin'." She took a sip from her beer and waited for the next skit to unfold.
"(HIC-kuh) Wha'...? (HIC-kuh)... Hey... (HIC-kuh)..... I know wha' yo(HIC-kuh)-aaaah, wha' you're zinkin'(HIC-kuh)...... bu'... (HIC-kuh)I mean... I tr(HIC-kuh)-aaaaah, tryda mak'em stop, bu' they(HIC-kuh)-aaaaah.... I mean...(HIC-kuh)... there'z only one o' me, (HIC-kuh)..." Mitzi held up one hand to her chest, then threw both of her arms out in surrender, still clutching the bottle. "...an' there'z THOUZ'NZ o' them! (HIC-kuh)... I mean... (HIC-kuh)I am.... commmplee'lee, ou'numm(HIC-kuh), aaaaaah, 'burrd!" She made a sweeping motion with her free han, set the bottle back on the bar, and smiled and continued staring at Susie.
Susie took a sip from her beer. "What's a girl to do?"
"Yea', I kn(HIC-kuh), I know, huh?... (HIC-kuh)... Heyyy(HIC-kuh)-ey... you wann(HIC-kuh)-na hear sum...s'umpfin' f(HIC-kuh)-funny? (HIC-kuh)... Uh-kay(HIC-kuh)... it g(HIC-kuh)-oes li' ziss... (HIC-kuh)... waitami(HIC-kuh), minnit, hol' on... (HIC-kuh)... (HIC-kuh)..." Mitzi paused to make faces as if she were engaged in thought, then her eyes widened when she felt she was ready. "Uh-kay, i' g(HIC-kuh), goes.... (HIC-kuh)... what(HIC-kuh)... did the elefin' s(HIC-kuh), say...."
She looked at Susie as though she were trying to remember the rest of the joke, then opened the bottle. She stared at Susie for a few seconds, then finally said, "Well? (HIC-kuh)... Wha' he say? (HIC-kuh)..." She took her sip, then started giggling at the untold punchline. "(HIC-kuh)... thass funny(HIC-kuh)..."
Susie took a huge swig of her beer, then said in a gravelly voice, "Genius, I tell ya...pure genius."
"Yeaaaah, I(HIC-kuh), I know, huh?" Mitzi gave Susie a wide-eyed grin, treated herself to another sip as a reward for telling the joke so well, then stared happily into space.
Susie decided to pay the ladies' room one final visit before heading out, and made her way down the hall. She could hear Mitzi continuing to babble and hiccup the whole time, as if she'd never left the room. As she returned to the living room, it dawned on her that she hadn't seen Mitzi use the restroom once since she arrived. Man, either that girl's got an industrial-strength bladder, or she's gonna wet herself before the night's over. Good thing she's not in my house, Susie thought as she took another sip from her beer.
"You're righ'... ziss beer is GREA'!" Susie looked up to see Heather stagger out of the kitchen, guzzling from a bottle of beer. She had gotten herself up and out of bed while Susie was in the bathroom, and mindlessly wandered into the kitchen in search of more alcohol. She leaned against the wall with lidded eyes and a silly grin, then reared back and finished the entire beer.
"Oh! Oh, BAD idea! That was NOT the thing to do!" Susie knew what the inevitable outcome would be from mixing beer with vodka, and she got up out of her seat and started walking toward Heather in anticipation of....
"Uh-oh... Idontfeelso..." Even in her condition, Heather knew to pay heed to the metallic tinge in her jaws which sent her instinctively running down the hall. She managed to make it to the bathroom just in time, and Susie was relieved to find that whatever mess Heather had made had arrived at its proper destination.
"Oh, yuck!" Susie flushed the toilet, then walked over to put toothpaste on Heather's toothbrush. "Well, at least you won't have all of THAT swimming around inside you while you sleep. You may not feel too good in the morning, but you would've felt a whole lot worse if you hadn't..... okay, 1-2-3, alleeeeee-OOP!" She brought Heather over to the sink and somehow managed to brush her teeth and wash her face for her. "There... now your breath is kissing sweet again. Not that it matters to me, but....." Susie brought Heather back to the bedroom for what she hoped would be the last time, and returned to the living room in the hopes of more amusement.
"Heeeeee(HIC-kuh)-eeey, I wuz wondr'n' wh(HIC-kuh)-ere you went. (HIC-kuh)" Mitzi lifted her bottle and proclaimed, "I w(HIC-kuh)-aaaah, wooooLIKE... t' m(HIC-kuh)-ake a toas'... to (HIC-kuh)... to... uhhhh(HIC-kuh)-uhhh...." She suddenly started laughing at something, and set the bottle down on the bar, which Susie discreetly slid away from her when she wasn't paying attention. "Hey! (HIC-kuh) I jus' r'm(HIC-kuh)-emb'r wha' wuzz so funny be(HIC-kuh)-fore.... when I firss g(HIC-kuh), go' here, I tr(HIC-kuh)-ied t' go up th' stairs, but I w(HIC-kuh)-, wuz too jrunk to go... (HIC-kuh)up th' stairs, an' I(HIC-kuh)... an' I though' tha' (HIC-kuh)...mayve it prov'vy woo'(HIC-kuh)-int be such a good i(HIC-kuh), idea t'..."
Another punchline would be left a mystery as Mitzi leaned forward and spoke softly to Susie: "Y'know, I defi(HIC-kuh)-aaah, def'i'ny wan' t' thangk you f(HIC-kuh)-aaaaah... f'r mak'nziss th(HIC-kuh)aaaaah.... th' bessiss bir(HIC-kuh)-uh, 'irssday... (HIC-kuh)... an', I, wanni'(HIC-kuh)a' letschoo know... (HIC-kuh)... tha' you're my bess fr(HIC-kuh)... my bessist frien', (HIC-kuh)at... at, the rezro(HIC-kuh)aaaah, th' rezronn... an'..."
Mitzi leaned over and planted a kiss on Susie's cheek. She lost consciousness as she did so, leaving a smear of pink lipstick running from Susie's cheek to her chin. Mitzi's head was resting comfortably in Susie's lap, where it wouldn't be allowed to stay much longer.
"Hoo boy!" Round two of cleanup detail, Susie thought, any volunteers? The next thought that crossed Susie's mind was: I wish I hadn't sent that driver off so soon. She then considered going home right then and there, but the thought of Mitzi getting sick and making a mess on Heather's carpet kept her from doing that. She liked Heather, and intended to visit often now that they'd met, so she wanted to keep the carpet clean for her own sake as well as Heather's. "Okay, Mitz, ol' pal, time to getcha where the carpet'll be safe..." She lifted Mitzi out of her seat, let her land on the floor, and started dragging her across the room and down the hall. As far as Mitzi was concerned, she was still sitting on her stool.
".....huh? (HIC-kuh).... (HIC-kuh)... uh... oh, HII(HIC-kuh) there..." Mitzi let loose with an especially loud hiccup, then looked up at Heather and said, "Hey! (HIC-kuh)... you know wha'?... (HIC-kuh)... you really gotta do sum'pfin abou' tho(HIC-kuh), abou'... those hiccups, you g(HIC-kuh), go' there... okay? (HIC-kuh) Becozz... (HIC-kuh)... they make you sound ve(HIC-kuh)-aaaah, verry intossic'e(HIC-kuh)-aaaah, 'cadid... and... (HIC-kuh)... I don' wanna haffa exp'ain yo(HIC-kuh), your... condishinn to anyone... (HIC-kuh).... (HIC-kuh)... I mean, (HIC-kuh) iss okay ri' now, b-(HIC-kuh)-aaaah, bu' I mi' n-(HIC-kuh), no' be able to speak'oo c-(HIC-kuh), c'early layur on.... (HIC-kuh)....."
"Hey, don't put yourself out on MY account, alright? In fact, feel free to just leave me collapsed in a heap when I get too drunk to walk down the hall and clean myself up. No need to bring your buzz down, right?"
"Righ'... (HIC-kuh)... an'... (HIC-kuh)... (HIC-kuh)..." As they entered the bathroom, Mitzi's hiccups started echoing off the linoleum, which made her laugh. "(HIC-kuh)... Gawwww'... (HIC-kuh).... you sound really(HIC-kuh), reeeeally jrunk righ' now... (HIC-kuh)... (HIC-kuh).... how c'n anyone soun' s(HIC-kuh), so jrunk... withou(HIC-kuh)-aaaaah, withou' ev'n sayin' a word?... (HIC-kuh)...(HIC-kuh)... you're funny. You know th(HIC-kuh), y'know tha'?... (HIC-kuh)"
"Yeah, I've been told. Just get a couple of drinks in me, and look out."
"(HIC-kuh)... yeahhh, lllllloo' gou'! (HIC-kuh)" Mitzi threw a hand up in the air for emphasis. "Hey... (HIC-kuh)... where'z Hezz'r? (HIC-kuh)"
"She's in bed right now."
"Oh! (HIC-kuh)... zass nice... (HIC-kuh)... (HIC-kuh) uh-oh.... I go'uh go t' th' (HIC-kuh)-aaaaah, th' li'l gurlz' room... (HIC-kuh)... c'n you help me up? I go'uh go t' th'(HIC-kuh)..."
She doesn't even know where she is right now, Susie thought. She thought about lifting Mitzi up and into the bathtub to sleep it off, then looked down at her limp hiccuping body and thought better of that. She looked over at the shower stall, then dragged Mitzi over and put her inside in a sitting position. "There. The room is safe now."
"(HIC-kuh) Yeah... th' r`(HIC-kuh)-aaah...... th' room izz zafe......(HIC-kuh)"
Susie closed the shower door until it clicked shut, then watched Mitzi for a few seconds. "Happy biiiirth-daaaay, Mister President......" She shook her head and chuckled to herself, then went back to check on Heather. She peered into the bedroom and found Heather sleeping soundly, or at least safely, then went back to the living room and slowly polished off her beer.
Susie considered getting another beer, then decided she'd had enough. I'm barely even catching a buzz, she thought, why bother? She went around the room tidying up for Heather, throwing away empty bottles and washing the dishes. She poured herself a glass of water, then another, guzzling them both.
After turning off the stereo and almost stepping out the door, Susie went back to check on both of them one last time. She saw that Heather was grinning in her sleep, and she could hear the hiccups from the hall, and she opened the shower stall to find Mitzi unconscious, a puddle forming between her legs. She was relieved to know that she got Mitzi into the shower just in time, and pondered the idea of turning the shower on to wash her off. Before Mitzi's bladder could finish emptying itself, her body began to convulse in a way that told Susie to shut the shower door immediately.
Susie's instincts were right on the money: Mitzi had had way too much to drink all day - even for her - and her body finally rebelled against the poisons she had been ingesting. After the alcohol had forcibly ejected itself through Mitzi's mouth, Susie opened the door to survey the damage. "Oh, fff--" She got a strong whiff of Mitzi's unknowing handiwork, and suddenly wished she had just left two minutes earlier.
Susie started to get overwhelmed thinking about the effort she was about to put into cleaning Mitzi up, then thought to herself, Jeez, don't we do enough of this at work? She decided to just turn the shower on and wash the mess down the drain, which took all of 30 seconds, and Mitzi was thoroughly drenched when it was done. Her hair, which had been so carefully stylized and sprayed, was now a complete mess, the water mixing with the spray, gel and mousse to create a sticky, disheveled clump atop her head.
Susie looked at her with a mixture of compassion and disgust, then closed the shower door once again. She walked down the hall, and was almost out the front door when she had an idea. Not being able to resist one final prank, she went to the kitchen to get a banana, then returned to the bathroom and placed it between Mitzi's breasts. Let her figure that one out, she thought as she stepped out the front door, locking it behind her. She was pretty disappointed that she had consumed so many beers to little effect, but the minute she stepped out into the night air, it hit her all at once. She fell back against the wall, then steeled herself up to walk the mercifully short distance to her own bed.
Heather woke up around 3:30 a.m., feeling horrible. As much as she wanted to go back to sleep, she could feel her bladder bursting and knew it had to be dealt with immediately. She managed to get herself out of bed and into the bathroom, never noticing Mitzi still sitting in the shower. After she stepped back into the hall, she walked into the kitchen, poured herself six glasses of water and drank them in rapid succession. She staggered back to bed for a few more hours, as she was still slightly inebriated from the alcohol she had consumed several hours earlier.
Around 4:00 a.m., Mitzi started hiccuping again in her sleep, which woke her up. She looked around and realized that she had no idea where she was. She tried to remember, but she was so drunk when she arrived that she couldn't trace her steps to this point. All she knew was that she had the hiccups, and from the way her stomach felt, she knew she'd had them a lot the night before. She could also tell that she'd gotten ill at some point, judging from both her stomach and the way her mouth tasted, but could remember no details. She wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep and forget the whole thing, but she was already too awake for that to happen. She stood herself up with much effort, then removed her wet clothes. What a mess, she thought, referring more to herself than her outfit.
Even though she was usually too drunk to remember doing anything embarrassing while under the influence, it was hard not to feel a certain degree of embarrassment in finding herself passed out and drenched in the shower. Did someone drag her in there, she wondered, or did she make it there on her own, banana and all? She had no idea, and she didn't want to ask anyone in the morning. All she knew was, the service was very happy with her, so she must be doing something right.
After she washed the goop out of her hair, she stepped out of the shower and got a fresh change of clothes from her suitcase. She went to the kitchen and filled a pitcher with water, then took it back to the bar and proceeded to drink the whole thing, glass after glass.
She took a look around the room, then decided to investigate this unfamiliar place. She started to go up the stairs, then changed her mind. Suddenly, it started coming back to her. She went down the hall and found Heather asleep in her bed, and it finally started to sink in. Mitzi's back had been hurting the day before, even more than usual, so she decided to have a couple of Long Islands before noon. Once she started catching a good buzz, she got a call from the service to keep someone's wife company on her birthday. She was drunk by the time the limo arrived, and had another triple on the ride over. She remembered taking a shower and getting dressed, but everything after that was a complete blank. In fact, most of the past year had been one long haze. Nothing horrible had happened yet, as far as she could tell, but she knew there was no guarantee that would always be the case.
Mitzi finished the pitcher of water and stood up. She had no idea how much she'd had to drink the night before, but could tell that she hadn't finished sleeping it all off. The fact that she spent the night in a sitting position, rather than lying down, put extra weight on her shoulders and back, which was already causing her discomfort. She thought about having a few "hair of the dog" shots to relieve both her back and her hangover, and although it sounded really unappealing, she finally went to the kitchen and poured herself two shots of vodka. After about ten minutes, she began to feel better, or at least less bad, and laid down on the couch to finish sleeping.
Heather finally got herself out of bed at 8:30 a.m. She didn't feel too fantastic, but if it weren't for all the water she drank throughout the night, she knew that she would have felt even worse. She made her way to the bathroom and took a shower, which helped. She thought she was alone in the house, so she was surprised to find Mitzi getting ready to make breakfast for the two of them.
"Good morning, Heather."
"Hi. You still here?"
"Yup. I'm not done here yet. How do you like your eggs?"
Heather never had much of an appetite when she first woke up, and the thought of eating made her visibly shudder. "I....think I'll pass for now, thanks." She dropped herself down on the couch, clearly relieved to have made it this far into the room.
"No problem. I understand completely." She filled a large glass with some red liquid and brought it over to Heather. "Here, this might help." Heather looked up in surprise at the notion of Mitzi feeding her more drinks. "It's not booze, don't worry. It'll replenish you after last night."
Heather had no appetite for anything. "I really can't."
"Please?" Mitzi said with a pleading look in her eyes which caught Heather off-guard.
"Okay. Thanks." Heather took her first sip cautiously, then instinctively started guzzling until she finished it.
"That'll help some. That, and time." Mitzi took Heather's glass back to the kitchen and refilled it, then brought it back to the table next to the couch. "Here's some more, when you're ready." She went back to pour herself a glass, which she guzzled in ten seconds. She looked up at the clock. "You'll be feeling better in just a few hours." She sat down on the couch next to Heather. "So...did you have a nice time last night?"
"As much as I can remember."
"Good." Heather was struck by the genuine sincerity in her voice. "I'm glad. Was I okay?"
"Oh, you were a blast."
"You mean, I was blasted. I have a knack for doing that sometimes. I hope I didn't make too much of a fool of myself. I can't remember anything after I got out of the shower."
"Well, my neighbor showed up, and--"
"Your neighbor came over? I don't remember that at ALL." Mitzi pondered that for a moment, then shook her head. "Man, I was loaded last night! You sure you don't want to eat anything?"
"Oh....I'm QUITE sure!" Heather reached for the glass on the table for a sip, and again ended up guzzling the whole thing without thinking.
"There you go, hon, drink it all down." Heather was struck by the difference in Mitzi's demeanor from yesterday. She shows up like the ultimate party girl, and today she's trying to mother me back to health. Never would've guessed. Mitzi took both glasses back to the kitchen to refill them again. "It has lots of potassium...like having several bananas in liquid form." Heather didn't respond to that last remark, so Mitzi ruled her out as the culprit from last night, or at least remembering. "So...what's your neighbor like?"
"Oh, I just met her last night for the first time. From what I could see, she's pretty silly."
"I'm sorry I missed it."
It seemed like this topic of conversation had gone as far as it could, and the two of them sat there quietly for several minutes, doing their best not to move.
"I haven't been this hungover since I lived in that psycho party dorm in college."
"You're usually not much of a drinker, are you?"
"Not really. How about you?" Whoops. THAT might not have been the smart thing to say, Heather realized. Too late now.
"Welllllll......the first time I had ever had a drink was on my first date with Petey. We had a nice dinner in a fancy restaurant, then he ordered us each a drink. Cape Cods. I gave it a try, and I noticed a few minutes later that it made my back feel a little better. Then I had another drink, and my back felt even better than that. After about five or six or seven, I felt fantastic...or so I was told! That was the first time I ever drank, and I got totally plastered. The second time I drank... I got totally plastered again. And every time since. It feels horrible the next day, but it is nice to get a little relief for a while." Mitzi reached behind and pressed her lower back in. "Besides, Petey does what he can to keep me out of harm's way. He says he loves me."
"Do you feel the same?"
"I....I barely even know him. We've been going out for a year now, and I've been so drunk through most of it that...." Mitzi shook her head and guzzled half of her drink, then handed Heather's drink to her. "Here, hon...have some more. It really helps."
"So what do you want to do?"
"I have no idea... he says he wants to marry me, but I don't know about that... it's usually a good idea to actually know the person before you do something like that, I always thought." She chuckled at her own sardonic little joke. "Actually, I'd love a drink or two right now, it would make my back feel better. But I've never been able to stop after just one or two. Something just takes over, and I have to wait until the next morning to find out what happened. Sometimes I never find out. So I'll stick with this stuff for today. Crazy life, sometimes." She took another large swallow from her glass. "I've noticed something else come over me when I'm drinking."
"What?"
"Well, I've always been really self-conscious about my build, but Petey loves me to dress up and show me off. I let him get a few drinks in me, and it's like a whole different side to my personality comes out. Suddenly, the whole idea of dressing up like that and being the center of attention is really fun. I mean I can't hide it even if I try, so I might as well have some fun with it. It's just not something I could ever do sober." She shook her head in confusion. "I don't know, he could just keep renting it, but he seems to like it enough to want to marry it." Mitzi took the empty glasses back to the kitchen. "Hey, you know, you oughta go back to bed and lie down for a few more hours. I'm going to take a nap myself. We'll both want something to eat when we get up, and we'll feel a lot better then. Okay?"
"The nap sounds great. I'll get back to you on the food part."
Mitzi gave a sigh of relief. "Good. By the way, how do you like your eggs?"
Heather thought about it, then smiled as much as she was able. "Surprise me."
"So you can cook, too."
"Thanks. I enjoy it. Makes things easier when I get hungry," Mitzi said with a wink. "I just like throwing spices together with stuff and seeing what happens."
"Well, if this was guesswork, you guessed exactly right! This is really good, Mitzi. I'd hire you as a cook any day! Seriously!"
Mitzi filled Heather's coffee cup, then her own. It was just after noontime, and the extra few hours of sleep did wonders for both of them. Suddenly, the idea of food was as appealing as it was necessary.
"I'm glad you like it."
"And I'm glad you stayed. Not just for the food, either."
"Thanks for letting me stay. At least until it cools down out there."
"Make yourself at home, my husband's not flying in until day after tomorrow. You're welcome to stay in the guest room until then."
"Well... tomorrow I have a date with Petey, which means the next day I'll be trying to recover from it. He's going out of town on business for a while, so this date is really important to him." She took another sip from her coffee, then looked out the window at a day even hotter than the one before. Not exactly hangover weather.
"Do you ever think about it?"
"What?"
"Marrying him."
"You mean, other than the fact than I hardly know him? Oh, sure. I mean... you think you've seen rich? Like the big houses in the nice part of town? Heather, this guy has LOTS of houses like that. All over the place. All over the world. I've been to a few of them. I was usually too drunk to remember much, but I've got photos to prove I was there. And a few videos. They're a little embarrassing to watch, though. For some odd reason."
It's like meeting someone else, Heather thought. Now, if they'd sent this one over in the first place....
"And I have to ask myself, what's this guy want with me? Some girl working the front desk who's younger than his daughters?" Mitzi paused for a bite of food. "I mean, what do you think?" She motioned quickly wth her fork toward her chest. "To me, they're a major strain on my back; for him, it's better than a sports car. Y'know? 'Hey everybody, look what I got!' He may like 'em now, but wait 'til I'm forty. I don't think he'll be too interested in 'em anymore. And you know, he can't really love me. He sure doesn't know me. I've been too drunk the whole time for him to find out who I am. It's obviously not a real high priority for him..... so, do I ever think about it? A little, yeah."
What a difference a few hours makes, Heather thought. And sleep, and water, and food, and coffee, and some company, and some bossa nova playing quietly in the background. This girl can really cook, too! If she thinks I was joking about hiring her....
"I should give my friend Clarissa a call. She wanted to hear about my 'date with a married woman.' This is really a rare event, you know. And this is the only time I've ever dated anyone besides Petey. He must really like your husband. Whatever they're all doing out there in Atlanta, you can be sure your husband will make out okay."
"Good, then maybe we can go home."
"You are home, aren't you?"
"No, this is just temporary. We're from California."
"Really? I've always wanted to go there. Whereabouts?"
"Newport Beach. It's about an hour from San Diego. I've lived there my whole life. And I really miss it a lot. This last week hasn't been easy to get through, not having my friends around. I'm really glad you came by."
"So am I. May I use your phone?"
"It's right there."
"Thanks, I want to call Clarissa before it gets much later.... hope she's around..... hi, Clarissa? How ya doin'?.... great, just great.... you sound 'good'....... already? Jeez, you really amaze me.... well, it was really fun, we just hung out... we're having lunch right now...... tomorrow night I'm seeing Petey, but I'm free all afternoon.... so give me a call tomorrow when you're up, okay?..... bye.... There, that was quick. She sounded in good spirits."
"Much later for what? Is she heading into work?"
"Oh no... I meant I had to catch her early before she gets too drunk to hold a conversation. She was already drunk just now when I spoke to her. I don't know what you thought of me last night, but Clarissa is really something. I mean, at least I give it a rest the next day. She'll still be buzzed from the night before, and she's already doing shots with breakfast. She's not just drunk, she's a drunk. I really love her, but it's up to her to tell herself what to do. Y'know? She was the one who got me my receptionist job in the first place, which is how I met Petey. So if we do get married, I'll have her to thank. I hope."
"You hope?"
"Yeah, I mean, who's to say it would be such a great marriage? It doesn't seem like it's being built on a real solid foundation, y'know? I have enough fun sitting on the beach when the sun goes down, and I never needed to be rich to do that. The only difference between miserable rich and miserable poor is, the rich ones have better booze to drown their sorrows with. If I ever reach the point of drinking because I hurt up here..." Mitzi pointed to her head, then shuddered at the very thought of it.
"Is that why your friend drinks?"
"Clarissa? No, she's not running away from any problems, as far as I can tell. She just really loves being drunk, that's all. She's the most cheerful lush I've ever seen. I'll admit, there have been times when I was no mood to drink, and after ten minutes of coaxing from her, I'm already working on my second double martini. She's pretty persuasive. She always has a way of getting someone to spend the day drinking with her. She really is a lot of fun, though....you know, this is really fun, just sitting here talking with you. I'd like to give you my number."
"I'd like that. A lot. You've already got mine, right?"
"Actually, no. They just dropped me off here. I haven't been outside since I got here. I don't even know the address."
"Here, let me write it all down for you. Now, don't lose it, okay?"
Mitzi looked down at the slip of paper in her hand, then looked up at Heather and smiled. "I don't plan to."
"Is it 5:00 already?"
"Is it?" Heather looked up at the clock. "Wow. If you had told me this morning that I'd be feeling so much better already..."
"I wouldn't have believed it either. I could see how awful you felt when you first got up. I felt pretty responsible."
"I was afraid you'd burst into tears if I refused that drink."
"When I feel that hungover, my nerves are already so raw, it wouldn't take much to set 'em off."
"Well, you're responsible for me feeling better, too, so that makes it even." Mitzi smiled and said nothing. "You know, even if it was just your job to show up and be entertaining, I really appreciate you coming over to cheer me up. You made it a birthday I'll never forget...even if I can't really remember most of it." They laughed at both the absurdity of the situation and their good fortune in meeting.
"Well, it's not my job right now, and I'm having an even better time today........ hey, my ride will be here at 9:00. They're always exactly on time, too. That gives us a few hours to spend." Mitzi raised an eyebrow, as if to leave it to Heather to suggest something to do.
"How about a stroll along the beach? It's only two blocks away."
"That's a great idea, it's getting cooler outside right now. A walk sounds like just the thing to shake what's left of this hangover. Give me a minute, and I'll be ready to roll."
It was a typical Saturday in July on the beach, teeming with life in all the right ways. A lone percussionist was joined by another, then another, then over a dozen. The ad hoc rhythm section soon attracted guitarists, flutists and singers for a spirited sunset jam session. The sunset itself was truly spectacular that evening, full of cool blues and fiery reds swirling together in the warm summer breeze.
"Yessir, one good thing about really hot days: they usually make for really warm nights, and there ain't nothing wrong with that! So, how much do you remember from last night?"
"Well, right after you passed out, my neighbor Susie came over, and pretty much everything after that is a blank. I don't even know how I got to bed. That's the guest room, my own room's upstairs. Did you put me there?"
"Uh........probably not."
"Oh. Well, if you did, thanks."
"Did I mention anything last night about my name?"
"Like what?"
"About Maritza being my middle name. After my great-aunt. Actually, it was Clarissa's suggestion to use it, she said guys would find it sexier.... that, and going blonde."
"What?? You mean you're..."
"Yup. Total dye job. The first thing Clarissa told me to do before I started working there was to dye my hair blonde. It wasn't any big deal to me one way or the other, so I played along. It doesn't look too fake, does it?"
"Actually, I never would've guessed. Nice job!"
"Good. 'Cause it's been like this a while now, and I can't even tell sometimes. I don't think Petey even knows that I'm not a natural blonde. I might have told him, but I have no memory of it.....don't we sound like the perfect couple? We know just so-o-o-o-o much about each other! The little things that make us tick!" Mitzi smiled ruefully at Heather in a way that made it clear that she had no desire to ever find herself in that situation.
The two of them gazed at the horizon for a full minute after the sun finally went down, then headed the short distance back. "I gotta get myself out of the house more often," Heather said as they entered the living room.
"It's not a bad place if you know how to work it. Like anywhere else, I guess. I can think of much worse places to be." Mitzi brought her suitcase out to the living room and prepared for her ride to show up.
"I'm really glad we had the chance to hang out today. You're welcome over any time, you know where I am."
"Believe me, Heather, this" - she held up the slip of paper with Heather's address and phone number - "is the nicest thing I've gotten out of this job. You have no idea how much this means to me."
"Well...I can guess," Heather replied with a wink.
Mitzi stood by the window a few minutes early to wait for the limo, which arrived at 9:00 sharp. She stepped out onto the porch, then turned around and gave Heather an especially strong hug. "'Bye, Heather. I'll see you soon. I promise."
"Oh, you don't have to promise me anything."
"I'm promising myself," Mitzi said before letting go. She grabbed her suitcase, walked quickly to the limo, and rode off. Heather went back inside and stared out the window, pondering the events of the last thirty-six hours as best as she was able.
A few minutes later, the phone rang. It was Dave, with fantastic news: he made a great impression on Peterson, and was offered a promotion to vice-president in charge of sales. She was as thrilled as he was by the huge bonus and hefty salary increase, but for Heather, the best part of the whole package was that he'd be running the new corporate office, which was just a ten-minute drive from Newport Beach! He was also given a two-week paid vacation starting Monday, after which the two of them would return home.
Heather was ecstatic from the news. Summer was in full bloom, and she was excited about seeing her friends again. It didn't occur to her until after she got off the phone that she now had friends in Florida to miss once she moved back home. Oh well, she thought to herself as she turned in for the night, can't have everything, can't be everywhere. At least not all at once.
The next day Heather took another beachside stroll, and returned home around 8:30. As she opened her door, her answering machine went off: "Heather? Hi, it's Susie. From next door, remember? You there? Do you screen your calls?....okay, well anyway, give me a ring when you get h--"
"Susie? Hi!"
"How you feelin', pal?"
"Much better than I did yesterday morning. Which wouldn't take much."
"Yeah, I felt pretty crappy the next day, too."
"What are you talking about? You seemed pretty sober to me."
"Yeah, I thought so, too, until I stepped outside to head home. Took one whiff of air, and I could barely stand! With no one to hold me up, I might add! I managed to get myself across the front yard and into the house, alright. But get this: once I was inside, I kept going all the way into the back yard and fell asleep on the lawn! And that was how I found myself the next morning. I don't know WHAT I was thinking! It must've seemed pretty cozy at the time, I guess. Wasn't too funny waking up with a hangover and a stiff neck, but it's pretty hilarious thinking about it now. But hey, I'm back, and better than ever! You got any free time this week?"
"Well, Dave's plane arrives at 7:00 tomorrow, and I was sorta setting the week aside for him, and...annnnnnnd..."
"....and that's what I like about the South!" Susie interjected in a sing-song manner. "Sounds like the plan, girl. Stick with it! Anyway, I just wanted to touch base with you, okay?"
"Sure, Susie, call anytime....after this week, that is!" They both laughed heartily at the many unspoken punchlines they somehow knew they shared.
"Will do. Pencil me in for next week Monday. I don't know what for yet. But we'll find something, though!"
"Sounds perfect. Talk to you then."
Heather spent the afternoon cleaning up and vacuuming, and there were no visible signs of what had happened two days earlier. She shook her head and chuckled, then headed for the shower.
Sunday had a much different outcome that Mitzi expected, but looking back on the events that led up to it, it was all pretty inevitable. Her friend Clarissa had given her a call around noontime. "Hey, party girl! Whatcha got goin' today?"
"Dinner at six, nothing till then except getting ready."
"Come on over for a while."
"I can't, I really need to get ready for dinner."
"Oh, how long could it take to get ready? Just come over for a while, and you can do all that later. You can get ready over here. We can get ready together!"
"I think we both know what will happen if I come over. Clarissa, you know I love hanging out with you, but we can do this at the restaurant on Tuesday."
"Yeah, and we can do it now too! Look, Mitz, I've been awake for 15 minutes now, and I'd really like to get started here. I just poured my first drink, and I would really appreciate it if you could get started as soon as you can, so you don't have to play catch-up all afternoon. Okay?"
"You still sound a little drunk from last night."
"Who says I drank last night?"
"Not me."
"You know, if I were the sort of person who drank out of spite, I'd turn this double into a triple. But I happen to like it just the way it is." Mitzi could hear her take a swallow from her drink. "....aaaaaaah...you know, you should just have one right now, before you come over. That way, you'll already be caught up. Sound like a plan?"
"I can't. Really. But Tuesday's still on, okay?"
"I wouldn't miss it for the world."
"See ya then. Same time, same place."
Mitzi started getting ready for dinner at 3:00. She was in the process of picking an outfit when she heard the doorbell. The sight of Clarissa having done a day's worth of drinking by mid-afternoon was nothing new. Seeing her sober was much rarer. "Hi. May I come in?"
After getting over the initial shock, Mitzi invited Clarissa in. "What gives?"
"Nothing...'ow you say, geeeeves...I just wanted to come by."
"...and have a few drinks..."
"And have a few drinks. Sure, why not? It's not so early anymore. I didn't even finish that first drink, and I'm all sober again. So we can have just one drink if you want. Look, it's already 3:30. How many could you have before six, anyway?"
The answer, as it turns out, was a lot. By the time Mitzi had finished dressing to go out, the two of them each had three double martinis, and Clarissa had snuck another one in when no one was looking. Mitzi looked at the clock and tried to focus, then finally stood up and weaved across the room to get a closer look. "Hey, looky, iss tymda go. Hey, you wanna come along?"
"Oh....that sounz like a really good idea. That place izz fun. Hey, less hav' anuth'r drink before we go, 'k?"
"I've had plenny for now."
"Yeah, wulllll.,..I havvin." Clarissa poured herself another double martini and gulped it down in five seconds. "There...that should do it for a while." She headed straight for the door. "Mustn't keep 'em waiting!"
By the time they arrived at the restaurant, Clarissa was having difficulty walking, and had to lean on Mitzi for balance. They entered at exactly 5:00, and sat down at their usual table, the one where they drank themselves into a stupor twice a week. Mitzi began ordering for both of them before the waiter had even spoken.
"Hi. I'm doin' grea', how 'bout you? Okay, ma'um woul' like t' ord'r now... couldjoo pleeeeze bring.... two tripf'l martineeeez, an'........ no, waitaminnid.... no, jus' two doub'l' marteeneez, an'......"
The waiter stood there for ten seconds before finally asking, "Anything else, madam?"
Mitzi looked up at the waiter as if she just noticed he was still there. "Oh! No..... thass all. Thangkyoo."
Peterson arrived at 6:00 to find both ladies extremely drunk indeed. Mitzi had had a lot to drink in a short time and was still wide awake, making her as vivacious as she was impaired. Clarissa had kept herself sober until her surprise visit to Mitzi, which put her hours behind schedule, and she had every intention of making up for lost time. Over the next hour Mitzi had two double martinis and ordered a third. Clarissa had already had a third, and was working on her fourth.
By the time Peterson showed up, Clarissa had a steady case of hiccups, which she tried to keep quiet by holding her lips shut. She did a pretty good job of making them silent, although a few loud ones inevitably made their way out into the room. She sat there slightly crosseyed, grinning vacantly, bouncing around from the hiccups, and leaving the talking to Mitzi, who was more than glad to oblige.
This actually worked out to Peterson's advantage, as he was planning to propose to Mitzi. He bought a ring, he booked a flight, and they were getting married. Period. Had Mitzi stuck to her guns and not let Clarissa coax her into drinking that afternoon, she probably would have turned it down. But she was feeling great, and her buzz was still in its upward arc, so the idea of marriage sounded great, even romantic. His private jet would get them into Las Vegas by 4:00 a.m., and Clarissa would go along as a witness (and, of course, drinking partner).
As always, Peterson finished his dinner and left at exactly 8:00, leaving them to get even drunker until it was time to catch their flight.
On the ride to the airport, Mitzi told the driver to make a stop at Heather's place, which was right on the way. They pulled up to the driveway, and Clarissa fell out of the car and onto the lawn. She had spend the last few hours grinning and giggling, but now she just sat there expressionless, not reacting to much of anything around her. Her body was still reacting to her hiccups, which had gotten louder than before, and she was no longer aware of them enough to be discreet about them.
Mitzi staggered around the other side and helped her get up. "C'mon, Ka-issa, geddup. We're gonna go an'...." She propped Clarissa up and walked her to the door, using her for her own balance as well.
Clarissa spoke with great difficulty, as if she were trying to remember how to do it. "Izz r(huk)-, 'eeelly nice o' you t' br(huk)-een me home, Missywissy... (huk)... I c'n allll(huk)-wayz coun' on you(huk).... to ge' me home n(huk)-ice 'n safe..... (huk)...." Mitzi knocked on Heather's door, and Clarissa automatically blurted out, "COME IN!" Mitzi opened the door, which instantly put an end to their precarious balancing act, sending them both stumbling into the room and onto the floor in a heap. By the time they hit the floor, Clarissa was already unconscious. Heather had just stepped out of the shower and wasn't expecting company, so the noise sent her out to the living room to investigate.
"Mitzi? What are you....?"
Mitzi looked at Heather, slightly confused: "Huuuh? Dinnin you say t' come in? I though' I heardyoo say.... hey, Ka-issa, dinnin she juss say to.....?"
Clarissa woke up long enough to wave her arm in the air, extending a welcome to her latest houseguest. "(huk) Hiiii! I'm Cla(huk)-rissa, ma' yurrself a'(huk)..... a' home!" She finally took a good look around the room, then exclaimed, "Wai'a'm(huk), a.... a minni', there(huk)... I though' you (huk), you said you were takin' me h-(huk), home.... (huk)... dinnin you say...." Before she could finish her question, she had collapsed on the floor once again, continuing to hiccup in her sleep.
"I said, I wuz takin' you t' my frien' Hezz'r's home. I wannid t' giv'ur th' grea' news, an' then we're goin' t' th' airpor'. Uh-kay?" Mitzi replied, thinking her friend was still awake to hear her.
"News? What news?"
"Huuuuh? Oh yeah..." Mitzi untangled herself from Clarissa, then made an attempt to stand up. Rather than try it a second time, she held her hand out for Heather to help her up. Once she was on her feet and managed to steady herself, she gave Heather a big hug. "Hezz'r! Guess wha'? I'm geddin' marreeed!"
"You are? But yesterday you were saying th--"
"Izzin tha' grea'? And Ka-issa's gonna be our widniss. We're flyin' t' Las Vaygissss, righ' now, bu' I just wannid t' stop by firss an'..... an', I go'uh siddown!" She motioned with her lolling head towards the bar, and Heather helped her walk over to a barstool. She stared into space for a few seconds, then looked up to gaze into Heather's eyes, and continued in a softer voice. "....I just wannid t' tell you ze grea' newz, becozz.... becozz you're one o' my bessiss frien'z, an'..... an' I hope, tha' when I ge' back... we c'n..."
As Mitzi tried to finish her thought, her eyes began to roll into her head, and she went silent as she slid off the barstool, landing on the floor in a heap. Heather looked at her two sleeping guests, then looked outside to see the driver in the limo with the engine still running. She went out and asked him to help her carry them out. Before she could help him, he picked Mitzi up by himself and threw her over his shoulder. After he deposited her in the back seat, he came back and did the same for Clarissa.
Heather followed them to the limo, and leaned in the window to give her unconscious friend a peck on the cheek for luck, which woke her up. "....ohhhhh..... hi......" She looked slightly confused, as if she didn't understand why Heather was there but couldn't speak clearly enough to ask. She noticed Clarissa sitting next to her, still hiccuping, and pointed at her and said very slowly, "She bedd'r do some'fing abou' thoze hiccups. I doan wanna haffa explain.... her c'ndishinn t' anybuh'ee... layd'r on....." It took her a few more seconds to realize she was looking at Heather. "Hezz'r? Bu'.... w-wha'ur YOU doon heer?"
Before Heather could answer, the limo drove off. As she returned to her porch, she found the slip of paper she had given Mitzi with her address and phone number. She must've dropped it without realizing it, Heather thought. She would be leaving Florida herself in two weeks, so she figured this was probably the last they'd ever see of each other.
Aaaaaah, to be home again. Heather was overjoyed at being back in California, and the first thing she did after settling in was throw a party her friends still talk about. It was a great way to welcome herself back into the fold, and after a few months home, it was as if she'd never left.
That summer had seen its share of heat waves, especially in September. The only hospitable place to be was along the coast, where the temperature was usually ten degrees cooler than even a few miles inland. Heather and Dave had purchased a new home in Corona Del Mar, less than a mile from where she grew up, with a spectacular ocean view. Dave got her a female malamute pup for protection while he was away on business, and in a few short years she grew to be gigantic, as sweet and loyal to Heather as she was a formidable challenge to any intruders. Heather enjoyed the long walks they would take around the neighborhoods and the shops lining Pacific Coast Highway, and the time she spent away from home only reinforced her desire to never leave again. This isn't just where I grew up, she thought, this is home.
As Heather sorted through the day's mail, she found an envelope without a return address, and opened it first out of curiosity. It was an invitation to have lunch in a restaurant about two blocks from her home. The lunch was set for the following Tuesday at 1:00 p.m., and the sender's name was Carolyn M. Peterson. No address, no number. Heather stared at the invitation blankly for a few seconds, then suddenly realized: so that's her first name. She never did say....
Heather arrived at the restaurant a few minutes before 1:00. She gave her name, and was led to the outdoor patio upstairs, the one with the perfect view of the sunset. She was famished after a long walk with her dog, and was really looking forward to seeing her old friend.
It took Heather a moment to realize it, but she was already looking at her friend from across the room. A little different, perhaps, but it was definitely her. She was gazing at the ocean and lost in thought, so she didn't see or hear Heather approaching.
"Carolyn?" The look on her face when she looked up was one of barely contained excitement. She stood up and gave Heather a long hug and almost let go, then held on for a moment longer.
"I was hoping you'd show."
"So you're going natural now?"
"Sure. I always liked being a redhead anyway. Goes with my eyes, don't you think? Actually, what I did was let the roots grow a few weeks, then I had the rest of it dyed the same shade. So eventually it'll all grow back the way it was. Thought I'd give it a try."
"Well, whether you're a blonde or redhead, it's really great to see you, Mitzi - I mean, Carolyn. So that's your first name?"
"Yeah. I thought I'd start using it again. What's in a name?, they say. A lot! I was almost named after my other great-aunt Barbara. Do you think the name Barbie would've fit? But you know, going by Carolyn really makes a difference in the way people treat me. That, and...." She looked down towards her chest, which was now much smaller than it used to be.
"So you finally decided to..."
"Uh-huh. Lopped 'em off. I was having some major back problems, so I started going to a chiropractor. As soon as I said anything about reduction, he couldn't recommend it highly enough. He also said that if I didn't do it, there wasn't much he could do to help me. Then he starting showing me X-rays and using phrases like 'degenerative disc disease.' That didn't sound like something I'd look forward to in my old age, so I finally just went for it. I mean, it's one thing to have a chest like that when you're 23, but when you're 45 or something, it's not quite the same. Nothing wrong with being a 34D, I'd say."
"It suits you well."
"Well, it's easier to find clothes that fit, for one thing. It's also easier to get people to look up when I talk to them. And I feel a million times better!" Carolyn straightened her back without any discomfort, then looked to Heather and smiled. "You were always really nice about it, I remember. You always looked in my eyes when we spoke. I might've been drunk at the time, but I did notice that, and I really appreciated it."
"You'll have to forgive me if I starting gawking at you now, though, okay? I can't get over the change... you look really fanatstic. How are you doing?"
Mitzi opened her mouth to speak, then her eyes widened as she said, "Haven't you heard?"
"You mean, about your husband?" Heather had completely forgotten about that. Right after she and Dave returned home, he joined Peterson on a business trip to Detroit. They checked into their separate hotel rooms and turned in for the night, and Peterson suffered a heart attack in his sleep. He was well into his fifties, and the stress of running the company had finally gotten to him. He had been married to Mitzi for less than a month when it happened.
"About my husband. Heather, these last few months have been amazing. I don't know what to think about it, except that it could've been a lot worse."
"Why? What happened?"
"Where do I start? Actually, let's start with ordering lunch, here comes the waiter."
After they placed their orders, Carolyn took a sip from her water glass and tried to find somewhere to begin. "Well, he was really generous to his whole family in his will. So much that his kids didn't object to whatever he gave me."
"Well, that was certainly nice of them."
"Yeah, it was. They could've gotten nasty about it, but they figured I made their dad happy, so why not? Besides a cozy little trust fund to keep me clothed and fed, I also got to pick one of his houses after his kids got the ones they wanted. I had my pick of homes in Miami, Manhattan, Dallas, Phoenix, Carmel...and Newport Beach. I remembered you saying you lived here, so..."
"...so you just thought you'd come out to say hello, is that it? So we're neighbors now, aren't we?"
"I'm over on Dolphin Terrace."
"That's about a mile from me. I'm just a few blocks from here. But you knew that already."
"Well, well," Carolyn said as she drained her water glass. "Ain't this an unexpected turn of events?" She looked at Heather with a gleam in her eye. "For you, at least."
"Do you miss him?"
"I..." Carolyn leaned forward and half-whispered, "You wanna know the truth?" She lowered her voice even more and said, "I barely remember any of it!"
"The wedding, or the marriage?"
"I don't even remember him proposing! One minute Clarissa and I are in that restaurant waiting for Petey, and the next thing I know, I'm listening to some lawyer read his will after I sober up a month later."
"A month later?"
"I can't believe it, either. Clarissa got a room across the hall from us, and she saw to it that I stayed as drunk the whole time as she did. She always had a way of making me want to do it without putting any pressure on. I'd start each day still drunk from the night before, and she'd already be feeding me drinks before I was out of bed. As a result, I was drunk for three weeks straight. I don't remember anything about it...at all. Next thing I know, I'm a widow getting her choice of homes..." She shook her head in amazement. "You know, I realize how lucky I am. As drunk as I was all that time, anything could've happened. And it could have ended up pretty gruesome. I just wish I had a chance to see you before I left."
"You did."
"I did?"
"Yeah, you stopped by for a minute with Clarissa, on your way to the airport."
"Wow. I don't remember that at ALL." Carolyn shook her head, then started laughing.
"I'm really sorry about your husband."
"You know, it's..." Carolyn tried to find the exact words to not sound callous. "I've tried to look back and find a few memories, some moments of happiness we shared together...but I can't. I mean, I guess it was nothing BUT happiness, but I was so out of it the whole time that I don't recall any of it. And now, here I am with this house, and these monthly checks to keep me going. It's very, very strange."
The waiter soon returned with their food. "You know, I used to come here all the time, just for the view. I never get tired of it."
"It's going to be a gorgeous sunset tonight."
"Yeah. One thing about smog: it may be nasty to breathe, but it sure makes for some amazing sunsets."
Carolyn raised her glass. "To sunsets in Newport."
"To sunsets AND Newport. So...tell me: now that you're here, what are you thinking about doing with yourself?"
"Who knows...I don't have to worry about money, so that frees me up to find something to do that I actually enjoy. I was thinking about becoming a veterinarian. I always got along with animals. I could always trust their friendship."
"Or you could try becoming a chef. I remember you were pretty handy in the kitchen. I still would love to hire you to cook for us, you know..."
"Hmmmm, that's a thought. I was also thinking about just traveling around the world. I mean, I've already done that, but this time I'd like to remember it, y'know?" She looked up at Heather and added, "If you're ever up for getting out of town for a few days, you're always welcome to come along. My treat."
"Wow. That's a really nice offer."
"And I mean it. It's no problem for me to have you covered. Have you ever been to Europe? I have. I hear I had a lot of fun there. And, I have videotapes to prove it!"
"Dave and I went there on our honeymoon. I'd love to go again."
"Next week is wide open for me...boy, that was some goooooood eatin'!"
"Yeah, that's the other reason I always liked coming here... I was thinking about having a margarita, but I don't need to..."
"Oh, go ahead, why not?"
"Well, if you don't drink anymore, I can skip it."
"Whoa! Who said I don't drink anymore?"
"Didn't you say that ever since you --"
"I didn't say I stopped completely. I just said I had one less...two less reasons to drink to excess. Now that my back isn't always bothering me, it's nice to be able to enjoy a few drinks for their own sake."
"Well! In that case...and I do only live two blocks from here...."
And with that, Heather and her friend Carolyn ordered the first of several double margaritas that afternoon as they enjoyed the sunset together. Where things would go from here was anyone's guess. But the future was wide open, and as Heather was well aware, anything was possible.
The End.
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